Kiss my ass 2010!

on a happier note

Ok....lets try for a happy post...
After my day of feeling insane and annoyed and pissed at the world, my wonderful boyfriend continued to try to lift  my spirits by telling me how sorry he was that I was having a bad day, and gracing me with his usual loving comments of how beautiful and 'sexy' he finds me.  (I haven't felt sexy since I gained 65 pounds with my first pregnancy, but he assures me that I have nothing to fear, it's nice.)   He really is amazing, even though I do not give him enough credit most of the time. 
I thought I would share some of the amazing gifts that have been bestowed upon me...

I LOVE LOVE LOVE this ring :)

Little bird house shall be placed outside in the spring...lets just hope nobody steals it.

still need to find the perfect place to hang this

I mentioned once to my momma that dragonflies were viewed as a symbol of remembrance  (and Tiffany's theory on winks)... she has been buying me all sorts of dragonfly items since.  Love her.

And back to my AMAZING boyfriend.... he purchased my FIRST EVER dishwasher as a christmas gift for me... couldn't be happier to have it, and my wonderful big brother actually installed it yesterday :)  Nearly 30 minutes after opening said dishwasher, D asks me if I looked inside to check out the cool features...  When I opened it, this beauty was dangling inside:

The tears INSTANTLY started flowing... I was so happy that he thought to get me something in honor of Sebastion.  So beautiful by itself, but since I never take Sebastion's moon urn off, I felt that they should share a chain:

I have also been blessed with another give away prize from Dana at the midnight orange... I will post a photo of the lovely sculpture once it has arrived... and my dear friend Trena has chosen to pay one of her giveaways foward to me. I am still trying to decide what image I would like the pendant to have, but once that is finished and received, I will post pictures of it as well. 
I truly do have some amazing people in my life, and for that I AM greatful.

arrgh

I know it's been awhile again...I'm really bad at this whole blogging thing...but then again, I rarely get any free time to actually sit down and think...let alone, type out my thoughts.  I should be updating with happy thoughts about how wonderfully blessed I am in my life, I have had many blessings as of late... but alas... I do not care to talk about them at the moment.
I am soooooo fucking agitated  that I wish my head would explode before I take frustrations out in ways that may hurt myself.  I'm not really sure why, but every since I woke up this morning, I have this constant nagging feeling that runs throughout my arms and hands... it's driving me insane.  And I have NOOOO fucking patience for anything.  And I mean anything.  My poor daughter cried for nearly half an hour because I refused to let her have chocolate for breakfast...so she in turn refused to eat. That has been an all day battle, but I FINALLY won.  She ate a late lunch.... like 4 o'clock late.  But hey, she has food in her belly, and not sugar. 
My boyfriend came busting in from work like a hurricane, only to tell me in passing as he got ready for job #2, that he got fired from job #1.  He hated the job anyway, but it still is going to set us back a bit.  Looks like I will have to start picking up more hours at the job that I hate now.  Happy happy joy joy. 
I think the kicker is that I know I should have a brand new baby in my arms at the moment.  I miss my son so much, and the desire for a second child only grows stronger and stronger by the day.  I feel like I have been cheated in life.  I will never be complete.  And now my head hurts. 
I need a drink.  and some peace and quiet. 
Deep breath.
I wonder if any other baby loss mommas completely lost their libido after losing their child.  I have a hard time finding pleasure in...well, anything.  I love my boyfriend dearly, he is indeed THE love of my life, and I have no doubt in my mind that I want to spend the rest of my life with him...but for some reason... I'm just not interested in sex...and he is growing to despise me for it.  Perhaps it is the hormones in the birth control pills... perhaps it is the self loathing...perhaps it is just me.  Who fucking knows.  Perhaps I SHOULD take the advise of people I know and go get my head shrinked.  Oh, wait... don't have the fucking money for that either.  Aye. Aye.  Anyone have a deep  dark hole that I can hide in for awhile.  I don't think my family would miss me TOO much.

Sebastion's ultrasound canvas

If you know me, you know that Sebastion's due date is quickly approaching... December 21st.  If he had been anything like his sister, he would have arrived yesterday... 3 days early.  I'm finding it hard to breathe when I think about it.  I can't believe how much my heart aches.  I actually just learned that on 12/20-12/21, there will be a total lunar eclipse!  A total eclipse of the moon... on the day that our little moon baby was meant to arrive!  I find this incredibly fascinating!  Something to actually look forward to... and if you happen to watch it, and have a camera...please think of our sweet little boy and take a picture for me?

Yesterday I received my giveaway prize... It is amazing:)  Thank you so much Tina!  To say I love it would be an understatement.

I have yet to decide where the perfect place for hanging it shall be, so in the meantime,  it will remain the center piece on the mantel, which is dedicated to Sebastion as well, with the exception of our betta fish (who continues to remain nameless).

so beautiful

I atually think that this could be mistaken for a picture of clouds... maybe it's the lighting...I don't know. 

I just have to say, once again, how thankful I am for the kindness of others:) 

the kindness of others

I'm feeling a little bit better, I guess.  Yesterday my mom and I went christmas shopping, which was exhausting! Mentally and physically. We were gone for 13 freaking hours!  But, our little kiddo is going to have a wonderful christmas, even if her mommy spends some of it crying.  Poor kid... I feel like all she sees me do anymore is cry... she will walk up to me at random and give me a hug and a kiss and say 'all better now momma?'  'I make you happy'... she is precious.  And now she is sick. She woke up puking this morning... in the bed, on the floor, in the rocking chair... and then I was carrying her down the stairs to use the potty, I slipped and fell down the bottom 2 steps, but at least I held on to her tight, and she didn't get hurt.  What a lovely start to the day:)  Daddy has to call off work this evening because nobody wants to baby sit a sick kid...including grandma.  At least it's not christmas yet, right?

On a happier note... I have received some amazing gifts in the past week that I would like to share:

lovely giraffe ornament

another wonderful ornament

super cute coffee cup with baby giraffe inside

fun stuff for the kiddo

The above gifts were from my FOL/FOH gift exchange partner, Kate.  She is amazing, and amazingly thoughtful.  I loved all the gifts that she sent to us, and there are actually a few more that aren't pictured. It really touched my heart that she was thoughtful enough to send a care package for Liliana.  The kindness of others amazes me. Thank you sooo much Kate:)

And here are some other ornaments gifted to us this week:

mother and child wood cutout from my wonderful momma

surprise from my aunt cathy

a better view

S is for Sebastion

snowman for Lily

i love turtles, thanks again to my momma.

L is for Liliana

I'm so thankful for the thoughts and sentiments behind all of these gifts.  I love my friends and family:)

I have so many feelings and emotions running through my body that I don't even know where to begin, so I won't.  Back to my little hole until I get the energy to let it out.  Someday....

Ups and Downs, and in-be-tweens...

As any other baby loss momma knows... the holidays flat out fucking suck. Last week I had to ask my boss to 'kill the christmas music, before it killed me... his response was... MAN! Since when are you all 'bah humbug?'  to which my response was...since I lost my son.  (I think he had forgotten... he quickly apologized for being insensitive, and I said it was ok, through my tears)   I'm trying REALLY REALLY REALLY hard to have a good attitude about it, mostly for the sake of my daughter, but I wish beyond wishes that Sebastion was here with us.  And let me clarify that a little bit.  I wish he was still brewing in my belly, preparing to make his entrance... WHICH should have been happening with in the next week, or two. INSTEAD... friday will make for months since I gave birth to a dead baby.  Yes, it sounds that much worse when you put it that way, I know, but there isn't a nice way of saying it.  Aye... this was supposed to be a happy post!  Get the negative out first? and end on a happy note... Let's try.

Yesterday I had the pleasure of meeting 2 of my former co-workers babies... Emily, a beautiful little girl, who shares a birthday with Sebastion.  Meeting her was like a kick in the fucking face. And Gavin. Gavin's mommy and I found out we were pregnant very close together... she had complications during her pregnancy and was concidered high risk, mostly because the ultrasound showed a mass on Gavin's lung... they had her convinced that he would need surgery upon arrival.  He was born just before Thanksgiving, and so far so good... A miracle occured, and he has been surgery free.  Beautiful little thing that he is.  I'm really, truely happy for these babies, and that they are healthy and happy... but is it ok for me to say that I am jealous?  Seriously fucking jealous.  (sorry, I've tried to watch my language on here, but can't really do it any longer... if you don't like it then...um.. don't fucking read it)  Deep breath.  Moving on.  Early in my pregnancy with Sebastion, I knew 2 women who had received terrible news about their pregnancies.. Gavin's mommy whom I already mentioned, and Dagan's mommy.  Dagan's mommy was informed that he had right heart syndrome when she was nearly 7 months along (she actually didn't even know she was pregnant until @ 6 months)...Dagan is 3 months old now, and doing well.  He has had one heart surgery, and will have another at 6 months, and yet another at 2 years.   I remember hearing these stories and feeling such heart break for these women... I couldn't even imagine at the time, the sorrow they must have felt... little did I know.  Now, the women whom I felt such sorrow for get to cuddle with their beautiful baby boys, and when they see me, look at me with pity, and have no words to say.  Life is funny, isn't it?

I want a baby.

Moving on... yesterday was filled with many emotions.  I learned that one of my favorite customers, 'the Poet' as I always referred to him, passed away last week.  This saddens me greatly.  The first day I met this incredible man he told me this:  "Today is the Tomorrow that you worried about Yesterday"  and I have never forgotten those words.  They have actually helped me through some very difficult times in my life (divorce, heart break, dead baby, more heart break).  A mantra, if you will, that has hung on my fridge in my past 3 homes.  It brougt tears to my eyes as I spoke those words to his widow.  But the story I told her about when we first met, put a smile on her face, if only for a moment.  RIP Dean... aka, the Poet.



I was also reminded yesterday that I do indeed have a few friends that care about, and actually love me... a dear dear friend gave me this:

the first I have actually seen his monogram

When you shake it, it makes the sound of chinese medicine balls... absolutely beautiful. The friend who was so kind to gift this... I love her.  Her son was born just a few weeks before we found out we were pregnant with ours.  We so looked forward to our sons playing together.  They would have been the best of friends.

And ending on a happy note... when shopping for my FOL/FOH gift exchange I found this:

 And instantly fell in love.  Yet another phrase that has gotten me through some really tough times.  I don't know why the picture is loading sideways though.
Speaking of shopping... I can't wait for my gift exchange partner to receive her gift...I'm really excited about it, and I hope she loves it:)  I'll post pictures, once she confirms that she has gotten it.  Many pictures to come actually, once I have completed all the projects I am currently working on...a painting, and christmas ornaments...

Til next time... wishing you peace, love, and some sort of happiness.

Beer, pizza, and pain pills...

Again... it's been a bit since I've taken the time to type something up... I think about it, and then I end up reading the ramblings of others, whose lives just seem more interesting than my own... a bit of an escape from my own personal hell, if you will.

By the way.... I WON I WON I WON!  I couldn't be more excited about 25 days of giveaways.. AND the fact that I ACTUALLY won an AMAZING (amazing amazing amazing) gift. THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!! I seriously can not wait to receive the canvas of Sebastion's last ultrasound in the mail so that I can cry as I hang it up in our home.  Not that I'm looking forward to the crying part, it's just inevitable.  I cried in wal-mart the other day as I was in the craft department... stoooopid christmas music. (ok, I was also looking at the most perfect scrapbooking set: newborn baby boy, complete with giraffes)  The waterworks just came a flowing, and random people were staring at me like a crazy person.  Go figure.  One of these days I am going to explode on an inocent bistander, and then, when I'm finished screaming and crying... I will laugh. And it will feel good.

I'm trying really hard to come up with the PERFECT gift for my Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope gift exchange partner... I now have less than a week to get it mailed out, and haven't even started making it, nor purchased the supplies to do so... would probably help if I could make a decision as to what I'm planning... Apparently I am indecisive.  Extemely indecisive.

Beer and Pizza are yummy... pain pills, at times are necessary.  This would be one of those times.  I am still questioning the decision to take birth control pills.  For some reason, even though they are intended to REGULATE periods, this is the second time in the past 3 months that I have started over a week EARLY.  WTF?  and last month, I was a few days late...what gives?  I think I was regulated more with out the darn things.  And every time I swallow one of the mini little baby preventers... I stare at it and think, "Why?"  Why the hell am I killing my chances of having another baby?  Damn it.  I want Sebastion back!!! 

After a week, we finally managed to take Sebastion's tree out to the cemetary.  They actually make solar powered strands of LED christmas lights...who knew???  I can't wait to see what the tree looks like when it is actually lit up:)

Sebastion's star

One of MANY tiny ornaments

Daddy securing the tree so it won't blow over

Love you baby boy... 

It will look so much better  once we get a headstone...haven't been able to bring myself to look at them yet...some day.

How fitting that today is our first snow...

Spent an evening with my parents last nite, and while I was explaing  the 'how I would just like to go to sleep until new years eve so that I can wake up in time to tell this year to kiss my ass theory'  my dad looks at me and explains that not the ENTIRE year was bad... think back to those 5 months before Sebastion died... those happy moments when everything was bliss. And he is right.  Leave it to my dad to always look at the bright side of life... the forever optimist.  Got to love him.  My dad is a wonderful man.  I am really lucky that my parents are my parents.  They truely are amazing.  And it means the world to me that they do not hesitate to talk about Sebastion.  They are still grieving for the loss of their grandson.  They haven't just swept it under the rug like so many other people that surround me.  I have 'friends' that to this day, nearly 4 months later, still haven't even acknowledged the fact that our child died.  Not a mention of his name nor an 'I am sorry for your loss.'  Those are the people that I would like to tell to kiss my ass on a good day... on a bad day, I vizualize myself kicking them in the head.  Just a thought.
And another thought...  Flipping the calander to the month of December was like being slapped across the face... December 21st.. Due Date with a big ole smiley face.  (also the full moon, yet another moon connection, thanks baby). Ouch, this gonna hurt.

gifts from heaven...

Ok.  It may not mean much to others, but as a mother of an angel, I tend to find beauty in nature.  In the fallen leaves, flowers, caterpillars, butterflies, dragonflies, birds, bees...and yes the clouds in the sky.  Call me crazy if you will, but I like to see these things as little signs from our angel above.  Not all of them, but certain things... as my fellow BLM Tiffany likes to call them... winks.

While playing with our daughter in the park on what was likely the last gorgeous day of the year, I noticed this in the sky:

It may not look like much, but to me... I see a giraffe.

Not a whole giraffe... basically just the head, neck and chest.

Close up of the head...it even has 2 ears, as faint as they may be.

Seeing this formation in the sky touched my heart a bit.  I realize to some, the giraffe may not be visible, but I do associate giraffes with Sebastion and saw this as a sign that he was there with his family at the park that day.  I miss him deeply, and this lifted me up, if only for a moment.

I also associate the moon with our little angel... not exactly sure if I have shared why...  In the days between the death of Sebastion, and his funeral, we spent quite a bit of time trying to explain to our 2 year old daughter why mommy and daddy were so incredibly sad.  She couldn't quite understand that 'baby brother' was no longer in mommy's belly, and she had no comprehension what-so-ever that heaven even existed, no matter how many times we stated that 'baby brother' had gone to heaven.  A couple of days before the funeral, we were all standing in the kitchen (where Sebastion's last ultrasound picture still hangs on our fridge to this day) and our sweet little Liliana looks over and says... "bye bye baby brother, I'll see you on the moon."  At which point, Derek and I both looked at each other in disbelief, with tears running down our cheeks.  From that day forward, the moon has had more meaning to our family in general.  This is also the very reason that the cremation jewelry that I purchased for Sebastion's ashes, is a crescent moon.  Geez... still pulls at my heart strings when I think about that night in the kitchen.  Sigh.

This past full moon was brilliantly amazing:

I love when the moon can be seen in broad daylight.

Blurry, but beautiful.

 And now that you know the meaning behind it all... will you think of our little angel every time you see the moon shine down?

The moon shining down over Sebastion's grave.

A tragic ending

It has been a really long, trying week in our community.  We have learned that a sicko walked among us.  If you haven't read, or watched the news this week, you can see the full story here . This tragedy has effected sooo many people in so many unimaginable ways.  Really makes one think about how much you take for granted in life.... like the safety of your own home.  Growning up, we never locked our doors.  Never even thought twice about it.  Living in other cities, I readjusted to the situation quickly, and ALWAYS locked my car, and locked my doors at night.  Once I moved back to Mt. Vernon, I made sure to lock up my vehicle...it's been broken into a few times, and again, ALWAYS lock my house up at night...but now... It makes me nervous to be home alone, locked doors or not.  I feel like I need my wonderful man to be at our side, even in broad daylight.  I know... the likelyhood of another monster like Matthew Hoffman living in our community is slim...but not none.  I'm sure the anxiety will wear off in due time...  but I can't get the idea that the 'missing 3' were stabbed, dismembered and stuffed into a hallow tree to leave my head.  Aye. Aye.

I must say... I am thankful that my daughter is not old enough to remember OR understand these recent events.  I feel for friends and family as they try to explain and cope. I know my nieces (who went to school with Sarah and Kody) are having a very hard time... as well as all the other children around here that are old enough to understand.

On a more possitive note...our community as a whole has showed more kindness and caring than anyone could have ever thought... from the volunteer searches to the candle light vigils... even yesterday, our local DQ (tina's place of employment) donated $1 of every blizzard sold to the children effected by this tragedy...Sarah Maynard, and Stephanie's 3 children.  The line just to get into the parking lot was over a 1/4 mile long.  The last report I heard they had raised @ $2000.  Thats a lot of ice cream!!!

It's a cruel world in which we live...

It has been a bit since I have had the time to sit down and blog, and so much is happening in the world around me...
First and foremost: The local news that has made national headlines...The kidnapping of 13 year old Sarah Maynard, and the continued search for her 11 year old brother, Kody, as well as her mother Tina Herrmann and family friend Stephanie Sprang.  The two women, and young boy are still missing... presumed at this point to be dead.  Law enforcment is now searching several locations in our small city with cadaver dogs... one of those places, the kokosing bike trail, is a place where we often take our little girl for walks. This is also the trail that I was hoping to be able to set up a memorial 5k for next October.  I have spent the past several days glued to the local news, and internet in hopes of good news.  Last night I watched as they pulled cars out of the lake where we went fishing a few times over the summer and fall.  This is just devastating.  I personally did not know the missing family. Their pictures look familiar, as though I may have waited on them a few times in the past few years at my place of employment... but they are a part of my community.  Mt. Vernon was once voted the 'most liveable town in ohio'... assumed to be a safe place to raise a family... and NOW... someone living well within walking distance of our home, has kidnapped a young girl, and held her captive in his basement for 4 days until the SWAT team managed to track him down and rescue her as she was bound and gagged in captivity.  Aye Aye!!!  This scum sucking bastard was actually born and raised in our community!  My heart breaks for young Sarah.  Her life has been forever changed... I pray that she may find peace, somehow.  I also pray that her family will be found safe and alive, but it is not looking promising. 

I have also been receiving forwarded text messages warning others of nationwide gang activity and things to look out for.  I have heard of the no head light initiation before, but I had no idea that it was still happening... I think that was at least 10 years ago. What the hell is this world coming to?  The most recent text was a warning that people are giving away free key chains at gas stations... said key chains contain a tracking device so that the people can follow/ rob/ kill you.  Seriously???  I want to go join that hippie commune now. Is it any wonder that we live in an overly medicated society?  The shit that happens in this country on a daily basis is absolutely disturbing.  I know, I know... there are still good people out there.  But I fear for the safety of our children as a society. 

sigh

3 months ago today I heard the words that turned my world upside down... "I'm sorry Bethany, but your baby has died."  within 48 hours, I held him in my arms. 3 months!  What a journey it has been.  I miss my little Sebastion more than anyone could ever imagine.  With every breath I take.  And as the 'due date' approaches... my heart continues to break.  There is so much that I want to do, in his honor... time to get started.

I love you baby.  See you on the moon.

two steps back...

I think I have been getting through each day by living in some sort of dream world.  I have been keeping myself busy enough that I simply just don't allow myself the time to wallow in self pitty... funny how things catch up to you when you least expect it.  I don't want it to seem like I don't grieve for the loss of my son... I DO.  Everyday.  I just do it alone. Ok, not alone... I most often find myself crying as I am rocking my daughter to sleep... something about the darkness and the quiet, I just can't help myself... I squeeze her just a little tighter as the tears silently run down my cheeks. And I stare at the ceiling, using my x-ray vision to look through it, into the stars, to where my baby is resting in the arms of god, surrounded by his new found friends... the angel babies.

So yesterday I go to work... I am a server... aka, I put on the fakest happy face possible and tend to every beck and call of the people in our community who think I owe them something because I didn't better myself by going to college and getting a "REAL" job.  I have worked at said job for nearly 6 years, initially full time (and then some)  but since the birth of my now 2 1/2 year old daughter, I only serve 3 days a week. (I don't think I could handle more than that). I'm getting sidetracked. *Focus*  Ahem... so yesterday, I go to work... only this time, I can't leave everything behind when I walk through the door.  As I'm walking around taking orders, getting drinks, delivering salads, and entrees and cheesecake... I can't seem to get the image of my dead son lying in my arms out of my head.  The image consumed me.  I couldn't fight back the tears, as I am looking at two of my co-workers walking around with babies in their bellies.  It just isn't fair.  So, for the first time in my life I admitted to myself that I couldn't make it alone.  I called my man in for backup...in the form of xanax.  Yes.  I medicated my way through a night at work.  The image never left my head, as I'm sure it probably never will... but the tears, eventually did stop flowing, and my friend was actually able to put a genuine smile on my face before the night was over.  I never pictured myself as a person who needed medication to face the public, but then again, I never pictured myself giving birth to a lifeless baby.

I miss you baby, with every ounce of my being. I will hold you in my heart until I may hold you in my arms again.

Oh yes, and because I haven't blogged in quite some time... you should head over to  http://babybeblessed.blogspot.com/ and check out the doll that they are graciously giving away...hopefully it's not too late, but even if it is, check out the site anyway... the dolls are beautiful!

the approval

So today, I went back to the doctor (OB) to receive word on all the testing he ordered a month or so ago.  Apparently everything came back negative.  No lupus. No rare blood clotting disorders. No diabetes. No thyroid abnormalities. Nothing.  No explainations as to WHY the sub-chorionic hemmorhage was formed, or WHY we lost  our sweet little Sebastion.  Sigh. It's good to know that I have a clean bill of health, don't get me wrong, but it also sucks to not have any answers. 

The doc DID give the 'all clear' approval for trying again.  Not sure at this point when that may be... as for now... still taking the pill.  I have a month and a half supply left, and told D that he has a month to decide whether or not I stop taking them when they are gone, or if I get the script filled again.  The thought of actually trying, kind of scares the hell out of me.  What if?   BAH!

I want more children, I truly do.  I want Liliana to be a big sister, as she sooo looked forward to with Sebastion.  I just don't know if I would survive if we lost another baby. 

It has been over 2 months, and I am still battling with depression.  My doc actually prescribed Welbutrin to me over a month ago, but I don't really believe in medication... especially something that has to be taken on a daily basis, and will completely screw up the balance of my life... chemicals, what have you.  I didn't take them. Still have a completely full bottle in the medicine cabinet.  So, today... he thought I should give xanax a try.  hmmmm. we shall see.  Anybody have any advice as far as anti-depressants go?  I do not want to become dependant on a pill to get through my day, but I WOULD like to feel better.

October 15th...recap

I haven't been the best about updating this blog, I know... and I pretty much through the 50 day challenge straight out the window. Sorry.  (Not that many people read this anyway, but thanks to those of you who do)

My first October 15th as a baby loss mommy was spent, alone.  I was in the middle of preparing a four tier wedding cake so my precious little girl went to spend time with her great-grandmother, and my love spent the evening working.  So as I worked at home, I lit candles, took pictures, and cried.   I did, however, capture some great photos...and created a beautiful cake.

Before going to grandma's house... my daughter and I send some balloons up to heaven.

I'm finding that each passing day continues to be a constant struggle.  And I am also finding that I am dreading the holidays.  Sebastion was due to be born on December 21st, 2010.  I would should be 31 weeks pregnant. As the due date gets closer and closer, I find myself becoming more depressed.  YES, it has been 2 months, since we lost him.  2 months ago, today, since his ashes were laid to rest, and I can't help but feeling like nobody cares anymore.  When I mention his name, I feel as though others just tune me out.  (with the exception of a select few)  Like it's OLD news.  It is my goal to never let Sebastion's name be forgotten.  He IS my son, and even though he has died, my love for him never will.

I am also making it a goal of mine to try to put together a fund raiser/memory walk for this time next year.  I would like to raise money to be able to donate to local hospitals, for care packages of sorts to be given to future grieving families in their time of need.  Hopefully this is a goal I will accomplish.

fake it till you make it.

The angel that sits on Sebastion's grave

Today is bittersweet.
A local news station came to our house to do an interview about babyloss and promoting the faces of loss, faces of hope website.  I managed to make it through the entire interview (I have no clue how) without crying.  It is a bit unreal to me that I just told the entire cental ohio area a brief version of Sebastion's story with out showing my true emotions... I am crying as a type this.  Perhaps it was some sort of out of body experience, or better yet, I had an angel sitting on my shoulder telling me to be strong.  I love you Sebastion.  I wish everyday that I could hold you in my arms, instead of (as well as) my heart.

I had a friend tell me the other day that she thought I was a very strong person, and then she followed that statement with the remark that another of our friends was worried about me... that I was putting up a front, and that I wasn't as strong as I appeared.  To which my response was... she is a very smart girl.  I'm not ok.  I probably never will be... but as said friend stated... "fake it till you make it".

I can only hope that by telling our story on the local news, and promoting Faces, that perhaps I can help another mommy that is in pain try to cope.  I have 'met' some amazing women through the site, whom I may never actually meet face to face, but we share a very special bond, and they have impacted my life in just a few short weeks.   I now belong to a group that is full of love, hope, and kindness.  Sisters untited in tragedy.

visiting Sebastion's graveside

To write their names in sand...

 I am incredibly thankful there are people out there that take their time to do something special for angel babies.

here is a link to Sebastion's name written in the sand at sunset, in Australia....

http://namesinthesand.blogspot.com/2010/10/sebastion-rush-scott.html

That being said... I'm a bit disappointed in the fact that his name has been misspelled twice now in memorials.  I understand that we chose not to spell his name the most popular way, and even as I type this entry the spell check kicks in...BUT.... it IS the way we chose to spell.  Thought it would make him even that much more special.  I guess what I find funny is that the link is spelled correctly, as is the name on the page, but the actual name in the sand is wrong.  In no way am I trying to speak badly about Carly, I believe she does a BEAUTIFUL thing... just venting.  The same thing happened with his little Treasure Bean.

Day 1... introduce yourself.

My name is Bethany.
I am 32 years old, and I walk with a heavy heart.

I have a beautiful daughter, Liliana, who is 2 1/2 and brings joy to my life everytime I look into her eyes.

I also have a son, Sebastion, who is an angel in heaven. He was stillborn on August 12th, 2010.

My amazing boyfriend, Derek, and I purchased our first home this summer.  A beautiful 3 bedroom house that was built in the early 1900's.  Our third bedroom that was intended for a nursery, is now filled with boxes and house plants.  I avoid that room as much as possible.
We started our life together nearly 4 years ago.  No man has ever come close to making me as happy as him.  I will love him until the day I die.

My family is incredible.  Mom, Dad,  2 older brothers, grandparents, nieces, nephew, aunts, uncles, cousins... I am truely blessed by all of them.

I was married once.  That seems like another life now. 

50 day challenge

50 day challenge....

Day 1: Introduce yourself
Day 2: A bulleted list of everything that happened in your day
Day 3: Your favorite movie
Day 4: A photo of you taken over 10 years ago
Day 5: A letter to your crush
Day 6: A list of what you ate today
Day 7: A Youtube video you find funny
Day 8: A photo of you taken recently
Day 9: List some of your favorite blogs
Day 10: A letter to a person who has caused you pain
Day 11: Share your favorite recipe(s)
Day 12: Self portrait
Day 13: Whatever tickles your fancy
Day 14: A song from your childhood
Day 15: A letter to someone you wish you could meet
Day 16: Provide pictures of 5 celebrity crushes
Day 17: A photo that makes you sad
Day 18: Set or share a goal
Day 19: Whatever tickles your fancy
Day 20: A letter to someone that changed your life
Day 21: Your favorite television program
Day 22: A photo that makes you happy
Day 23: Share one of your favorite tunes
Day 24: Time to face morph
Day 25: Someone you judged by their first impression
Day 26: Favorite books
Day 27: A talent of yours
Day 28: Favorite places to shop
Day 29: Your favorite color
Day 30: The friendliest person you knew for only 1 day
Day 31: Whatever tickles your fancy
Day 32: A photo you took
Day 33: What you're craving right now
Day 34: Your favorite quote
Day 35: A letter to an ex
Day 36: Some hobbies of yours
Day 37: A song that you like to dance to
Day 38: A photo of your parents
Day 39: Zodiac sign and do you think it fits your personality
Day 40: A deceased person you wish you could talk to
Day 41: Whatever tickles your fancy
Day 42: A bad habit you have
Day 43: A picture of your favorite place in the world
Day 44: Something that fascinates you and why
Day 45: A letter to yourself a year ago
Day 46: Photos of personal things in your life (pets, family, house, etc)
Day 47: Birthday wish list
Day 48: A photo of you right now
Day 49: Hopes, dreams, and plans for the next 365 days
Day 50: A letter to your reflection in the mirror

I will try and stick with it... we will see how it goes.

My love

I haven't expressed enough how grateful I am for my love, my soul mate, my rock.
I love Derek more than I ever knew possible.
He is amazing, incredible, and a wonderful father.

Let me tell you a story...

After losing our son Sebastion, we were faced with making the decision of how to lay him to rest.  This is a decision that no parent should ever have to make.  I remember laying in the hospital bed looking over a paper that listed several funeral homes in our area... 2 of which provided services for infants, free of charge.  We chose our funeral home, based on the fact that my grandfather actually used to volunteer his time there, and my dad has a pretty good relationship with the funeral director.  The next step was deciding whether to have a burial, or to have his precious little body cremated.  I can not express what a difficult decision it was to make. I was informed by the nurses at the hospital that if we chose to bury his body, there would be no embalming.  Babies are too little for embalming.  The only thing I could think at that point was that our little baby would lay in a casket and decompose.  I couldn't handle the thought, and finally agreed to cremation.  At least with a cremation, we would have ashes to hold on to.  The week following Sebastion's passing is a big blur... small things come back to me every now and then.  I know it was a few days before we actually made the decision to bury the ashes.  Sebastion is laid to rest in Friendship Cemetary.  The cemetary just so happens to be next door to where I grew up, and my parents still reside.  Actually to go into further detail, when my parents first bought their property, they actually owned the part of the cemetary that Sebastion is buried in.  Kind of cool when you think about it.  Any how...getting back to the original thought... what makes Derek amazing....
Once we decided to bury the ashes, Derek insisted that HE be the one to dig the grave.  He believed it should be the fathers responsibility to do so for his son.  So, in his grieving, Derek dug his son's (our son's) grave... right along side with my father.  Sebastion's grave was dug with love.  And the stones that were removed from the ground, 3 of them, now reside in the homes of family. 2 of them went home to Georgia with Derek's parents, and the other is now sitting center stage on our mantel.  When we first brought it home, I couldn't bare to remove the dirt. I just sat it on the shelf in our living room, covered in mud.  Last night, Derek decided it was time to clean it... he went outside and sprayed it down with the hose, while I dusted the shelves that it had called home.  When he returned nearly 10 minutes later... he was holding a perfectly clean, beautiful stone...and had tears streaming down his face.  This was the first I had seen my Love cry in weeks.  I'm actually not sure if I had seen him cry since the funeral... he tries to stay strong, as to not bring me down. ( I have to laugh now. I cry everyday...can't be stopped)  It was good to see him grieve.  Made me fall even further in love with him... if that is even possible.
Back to the funeral...his grave was dug with love, and then too, it was buried with more.

Mommy and big sister laying flowers on the grave

Mommy, Daddy and Papa burying Sebastion's ashes

big sister helping bury baby brother

 All things considered... the day could not have been more beautiful.

.

I'm trying with all my might to hold it together.
I'm not ok. 
I'm not the same person that I was before.
I have lost a part of myself and I will NEVER be the same.
I am sorry if that is something you can not handle.
I will try harder.
I have to be strong for her.  She still needs a mother.
I will try to be strong for him as well.
It still hurts.
It hurts more and more each day.
.

Our son never got the chance to breathe.
I never got the chance to see him smile. 
His sister never got the chance to kiss his little forehead.
Yet the love we all share is undeniable.
You will remain forever in our hearts Sebastion.

YAZ?

I am a bit concerned about the fact that my doctor just started me on YAZ.  He recommends that I take birth control for a couple of months to regulate my periods and to insure that I do not become pregnant before the results of all my lab work come back...but really... YAZ?!  Isn't this the same pill that so many people are up in arms about?  Lawsuits... major side effects, etc?  I'm not so sure that this is something I should be taking.  Especially concidering I've already had a type of a blood clot.  Sigh.
Yesterday I had 10 vials of blood drawn for numerous medical testing...testing to give us peace of mind that if we are to become pregnant again, we will hopefully not face the same demise.  I do not know if I could survive losing another child... but so desperately want to have more children.  I want Liliana to have at least one sibling.  She was so excited about her baby brother... she too has been cheated.

6 weeks later

Yesterday I went to the doctor for a 6 week follow up.  It was the longest and loneliest appointment I've been to.  Sitting in the waiting area, I watched all the pregnant mommies rubbing their beautiful pregnant bellies, thinking to myself... that should be me.  Waiting in the examination room, I laid there thinking about how the last time I was in that room, I heard the wonderful sound of Sebastion's heart beating.  And I'm left thinking... it's not fair.  So today, I will be going back to the medical clinic to have several vials of blood drawn so that my doctor can rule out any rare conditions that may have caused the blood clot in the uterus. He is doing all that he can to try to prevent this heart breaking situation from happening again. Speaking of heartbreaking... I NEVER could have imagined this amount of pain.  I miss my baby boy so much.  I know that I am truely blessed with my beautiful daughter, but my arms feel so empty.  It has been 6 weeks, and the numbness is beginning to subside, leaving gut wrenching pain in it's place.   Trying to sleep last night, I felt like the worst mother in the world, when I realized that I never even examined his tiny little body.  I mean, yes, I studied his face, and his tiny little hands and fingers, kissed his little forehead... but I never even looked for the proof that he was a boy.  I wish that I had taken more pictures. Held him just a little bit longer. Told him how much I love him one more time.  My sweet sweet Sebastion.  I dream of the day I hold you in my arms again.  Please watch over your big sister, and keep her safe and strong.  I hope that you felt her love and kisses, she misses you greatly and yet you never got the chance to see her face.

Sebastion's story

I am starting this blog in memory of our sweet son Sebastion.  It has been more than 5 weeks since we lost our precious baby boy, and I am still trying to find ways to cope with the pain.  Hope this helps.

this is the story that I submitted to facesofloss.com  :

The first person I told that I was pregnant, was my two year old daughter, Liliana... before I even took a pregnancy test.  I already knew that she would be the best big sister ever.  The next day, the home pregnancy test read positive and I took her to the book store to find a book about becoming a big sister.  That very book was her way of breaking the news to daddy:) 

Our first ultrasound revealed that the baby was measuring 9 weeks and 4 days, on May 19, 2010.  The baby appeared to be growing strong.  On June 9, after playing outside with my daughter, I began bleeding. The blood was bright red. I rushed to the emergency room, where I was basically ignored.   (I should mention that I experienced some bleeding around the same time when I was pregnant with my daughter.)  After sitting in waiting for 2 and half hours, still yet to be seen by a doctor, I decided I would go home, get some rest and call my doctor first thing in the morning. (It was after midnight at this point, and the bleeding had slowed down.)  The next day I went in for an emergency ultrasound and was relieved to see my baby bouncing around in the womb.  It was at this very ultrasound where I learned that we were going to have a son:)  That was not the only discovery this ultrasound resulted in...

The doctor told me that they had found a blood clot lying between the placenta and the wall of my uterus, known as a subchorionic hemorrhage.  It was recommended that I take a couple weeks off of work and rest as much as possible.  The doctor assured me that this was a rather common condition and RARELY ends in miscarriage.  This was also the cause of the bleeding, which continued on and off for the next 9 weeks.  Upon research of subchorionic hemorrhage, also known as subchorionic hematoma, I discovered that the blood clot is usually reabsorbed by the body and goes away by week 20.  This gave me a little more hope.

On July 7 I went in for another ultrasound.  Again, I was super excited to see my bouncing baby boy, moving around like crazy, with a nice strong heartbeat.  The blood clot was still there, but hadn't gotten any bigger.  Our little boy was growing.  From here on out, I could feel him doing flips in my belly. He was a very active little boy.

Which is why when I went an entire day without feeling movement, I knew something was wrong.  On August 10 I left work and went to the Birthing Center at our local hospital to have the baby's heart rate checked.  The nurse was extemely understanding of my concerns and spent nearly half an hour trying to find a heart beat with the doppler.  She had no luck, so she called another nurse in to try.  That too failed, so they ordered an ultrasound.  The ultrasound tech informed me that she couldn't tell me any information, whether good or bad, I was not allowed to see the monitor, and had to wait for the doctor to read me the results.  At 4:25 pm, sitting alone in the hospital,  I heard the words... "I'm sorry your baby has died." The nurse left me alone for a few minutes and I managed to call my mom.  I was sobbing, and I know she could barely understand what I was saying to her, but 15 minutes later,  my parents were at my side. 

The on call doctor arrived nearly 2 hours later to inform us of our options... they could start the induction right then and there, we could choose when to return to start the process, or we could wait until my body went into labor on it's own, which could take weeks.  We chose to be induced the following day.  I was admitted into the same room that our daughter was born in.  I'm still not sure whether or not that was comforting. That room is filled with so many good, and now sad memories.  The cervical pills took quite some time to take effect.  The hours spent in waiting seemed like days.  Sebastion Rush Scott was born still at 4:50am, on August 12, 2010. We held our precious little boy in our arms. He weighed 15 oz, and measured 10 3/4 inches long.  He was perfect. So beautiful. So precious.

The nurses were incredible and treated our baby with such respect.  They took pictures of him, made a plaster cast of his footprints, and several ink prints as well. I can not say thanks enough for how thoughtful and kind they were.  We declined to have an autopsy performed, and the pathology report on the placenta was inconclusive.  The doctor says that we will never know the actual reason for losing our beautiful son, most likely the blood clot grew in size and compromised the blood flow to the placenta not allowing Sebastion to get the nutrients he needed.


We had a private graveside service for Sebastion, including a balloon launch to represent his spirit lifting to heaven.  We also had part of his ashes put into cremation jewelry urns... Derek and I will keep Sebastion in, and next to, our hearts forever.