Thursday, September 30, 2010

Our son never got the chance to breathe.
I never got the chance to see him smile. 
His sister never got the chance to kiss his little forehead.
Yet the love we all share is undeniable.
You will remain forever in our hearts Sebastion.

Thursday, September 23, 2010

YAZ?

I am a bit concerned about the fact that my doctor just started me on YAZ.  He recommends that I take birth control for a couple of months to regulate my periods and to insure that I do not become pregnant before the results of all my lab work come back...but really... YAZ?!  Isn't this the same pill that so many people are up in arms about?  Lawsuits... major side effects, etc?  I'm not so sure that this is something I should be taking.  Especially concidering I've already had a type of a blood clot.  Sigh.
Yesterday I had 10 vials of blood drawn for numerous medical testing...testing to give us peace of mind that if we are to become pregnant again, we will hopefully not face the same demise.  I do not know if I could survive losing another child... but so desperately want to have more children.  I want Liliana to have at least one sibling.  She was so excited about her baby brother... she too has been cheated.

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

6 weeks later

Yesterday I went to the doctor for a 6 week follow up.  It was the longest and loneliest appointment I've been to.  Sitting in the waiting area, I watched all the pregnant mommies rubbing their beautiful pregnant bellies, thinking to myself... that should be me.  Waiting in the examination room, I laid there thinking about how the last time I was in that room, I heard the wonderful sound of Sebastion's heart beating.  And I'm left thinking... it's not fair.  So today, I will be going back to the medical clinic to have several vials of blood drawn so that my doctor can rule out any rare conditions that may have caused the blood clot in the uterus. He is doing all that he can to try to prevent this heart breaking situation from happening again. Speaking of heartbreaking... I NEVER could have imagined this amount of pain.  I miss my baby boy so much.  I know that I am truely blessed with my beautiful daughter, but my arms feel so empty.  It has been 6 weeks, and the numbness is beginning to subside, leaving gut wrenching pain in it's place.   Trying to sleep last night, I felt like the worst mother in the world, when I realized that I never even examined his tiny little body.  I mean, yes, I studied his face, and his tiny little hands and fingers, kissed his little forehead... but I never even looked for the proof that he was a boy.  I wish that I had taken more pictures. Held him just a little bit longer. Told him how much I love him one more time.  My sweet sweet Sebastion.  I dream of the day I hold you in my arms again.  Please watch over your big sister, and keep her safe and strong.  I hope that you felt her love and kisses, she misses you greatly and yet you never got the chance to see her face.

Sunday, September 19, 2010

Sebastion's story

I am starting this blog in memory of our sweet son Sebastion.  It has been more than 5 weeks since we lost our precious baby boy, and I am still trying to find ways to cope with the pain.  Hope this helps.
this is the story that I submitted to facesofloss.com  :

The first person I told that I was pregnant, was my two year old daughter, Liliana... before I even took a pregnancy test.  I already knew that she would be the best big sister ever.  The next day, the home pregnancy test read positive and I took her to the book store to find a book about becoming a big sister.  That very book was her way of breaking the news to daddy:) 

Our first ultrasound revealed that the baby was measuring 9 weeks and 4 days, on May 19, 2010.  The baby appeared to be growing strong.  On June 9, after playing outside with my daughter, I began bleeding. The blood was bright red. I rushed to the emergency room, where I was basically ignored.   (I should mention that I experienced some bleeding around the same time when I was pregnant with my daughter.)  After sitting in waiting for 2 and half hours, still yet to be seen by a doctor, I decided I would go home, get some rest and call my doctor first thing in the morning. (It was after midnight at this point, and the bleeding had slowed down.)  The next day I went in for an emergency ultrasound and was relieved to see my baby bouncing around in the womb.  It was at this very ultrasound where I learned that we were going to have a son:)  That was not the only discovery this ultrasound resulted in...

The doctor told me that they had found a blood clot lying between the placenta and the wall of my uterus, known as a subchorionic hemorrhage.  It was recommended that I take a couple weeks off of work and rest as much as possible.  The doctor assured me that this was a rather common condition and RARELY ends in miscarriage.  This was also the cause of the bleeding, which continued on and off for the next 9 weeks.  Upon research of subchorionic hemorrhage, also known as subchorionic hematoma, I discovered that the blood clot is usually reabsorbed by the body and goes away by week 20.  This gave me a little more hope.

On July 7 I went in for another ultrasound.  Again, I was super excited to see my bouncing baby boy, moving around like crazy, with a nice strong heartbeat.  The blood clot was still there, but hadn't gotten any bigger.  Our little boy was growing.  From here on out, I could feel him doing flips in my belly. He was a very active little boy.

Which is why when I went an entire day without feeling movement, I knew something was wrong.  On August 10 I left work and went to the Birthing Center at our local hospital to have the baby's heart rate checked.  The nurse was extemely understanding of my concerns and spent nearly half an hour trying to find a heart beat with the doppler.  She had no luck, so she called another nurse in to try.  That too failed, so they ordered an ultrasound.  The ultrasound tech informed me that she couldn't tell me any information, whether good or bad, I was not allowed to see the monitor, and had to wait for the doctor to read me the results.  At 4:25 pm, sitting alone in the hospital,  I heard the words... "I'm sorry your baby has died." The nurse left me alone for a few minutes and I managed to call my mom.  I was sobbing, and I know she could barely understand what I was saying to her, but 15 minutes later,  my parents were at my side. 

The on call doctor arrived nearly 2 hours later to inform us of our options... they could start the induction right then and there, we could choose when to return to start the process, or we could wait until my body went into labor on it's own, which could take weeks.  We chose to be induced the following day.  I was admitted into the same room that our daughter was born in.  I'm still not sure whether or not that was comforting. That room is filled with so many good, and now sad memories.  The cervical pills took quite some time to take effect.  The hours spent in waiting seemed like days.  Sebastion Rush Scott was born still at 4:50am, on August 12, 2010. We held our precious little boy in our arms. He weighed 15 oz, and measured 10 3/4 inches long.  He was perfect. So beautiful. So precious.

The nurses were incredible and treated our baby with such respect.  They took pictures of him, made a plaster cast of his footprints, and several ink prints as well. I can not say thanks enough for how thoughtful and kind they were.  We declined to have an autopsy performed, and the pathology report on the placenta was inconclusive.  The doctor says that we will never know the actual reason for losing our beautiful son, most likely the blood clot grew in size and compromised the blood flow to the placenta not allowing Sebastion to get the nutrients he needed.


We had a private graveside service for Sebastion, including a balloon launch to represent his spirit lifting to heaven.  We also had part of his ashes put into cremation jewelry urns... Derek and I will keep Sebastion in, and next to, our hearts forever.