Monday, October 17, 2011

Remembering all our babies...

October 15th.  This year, to me, seemed so much easier than last.  Perhaps it was because my heart has a more time to mend...or because I didn't attend any functions on the actual...or because I have a new hope in the rainbow within... it is hard to tell the actual reason(s).  But for me, the day was rather peaceful. 
No. That does not mean that I am no longer sad over the loss of our sweet son...only that the hard days of breakdown and uncontrollable sobbing are fewer and farther between.  I hope this some what sense of peace can stick around for awhile.  I need all the strength I can get with this little miracle on the way.

Wave of Light

I wanted to make something special this year for the wave of light, so I made the candle above.  The front, of course is in honor of our sweet baby boy, and on the back I tried to include all the names of Sebastion's friends in heaven.  I let it burn for nearly 5 hours, but I think that I may continue to light it from time to time when I am feeling blue.  Most likely, I will end up making a new one for next year, but as of right now, I could pack it away and still have all the names for next October.  Sadly though, there will likely be more names to add to it by then.

I miss my baby.  I wish he were here with me. If he had been born near his due date, he would be 10 months old right now.  Oh how different life would be. Sigh.

Wednesday, October 12, 2011

Feeling a little teased...

So I recently had an OB check up and finally got up enough courage to ask my Dr about the possibility of obtaining copies of the images taken at Sebastion's final ultrasound, whether or not they would even still be on file.  He instantly responded with a yes and made a quick phone call to radiology.  They told him that they could have the photos to me by the following morning.  Just a couple of hours went by and I received a phone call from the docs office stating that my photos were there and could be picked up at any time.  I raced over with excitement!  New photos of our baby... photos I had never seen.  YES, they were photos of him taken after his heart had stopped beating, but non the less... they were still photos of my precious baby.  Sigh... The receptionist hands me the photos, I politely say thank you and begin to look at them as I walk away.... The images look all too familiar.  Then I look to the top... 13 W 5 D... (9/14/11). My heart sank. (don't get me wrong, I love to look at photos of our rainbow too)  I immediately returned to the window and handed the photos back to the receptionist.  I told her I was sorry, but these photos are images that I already have...from THIS pregnancy.  She just looked at me dumb founded.  I went on to explain that the photos I had requested were from my previous pregnancy, the one that ended in stillbirth.  She just gave me this look like 'why on earth would you want pictures of your dead baby?!'  And then asked if I knew what date they would have been taken on.  August 10, 2010..without hesitation.  She wrote down the date and said she would see what she could do....
Two days have passed since then and I have not heard a word.  I feel let down:(   I will call tomorrow to check, but still... why tease a broken heart?

I spoke with the receptionist today and she informed me that my doctor actually had a sit down meeting with radiology over the issue.  The have the photos on record, but they are on microfilm, so it will take some time to look through all the film and find them.  They will contact me when they know anything further.