Wednesday, November 16, 2011

So, it seems I have become incredibly bad at the whole blog thing.  I haven't even been keeping up with fellow bloggers posts, and it would seem that I have missed out on a lot.  I hope you are all well, and that the upcoming holidays are gentle on you.

As far as my little world...  At times I feel like it is crumbling down.  I feel as though anyone outside of the baby loss community has completely forgotten about Sebastion, and if they haven't forgotten, they just plain do not care anymore.  His father included.  And as I struggle with emotions and fears during the pregnancy of our rainbow, he and I continue to grow farther and farther apart.  It terrifies me.

Nearly a week ago a fellow co-worker and friend received a VOICEMAIL stating that the results of her amnio had come back, and that her baby girl did in fact test positive for down syndrome.  Not only that, but a week or so prior, she also found out that her baby's heart only has 3 chambers, instead of 4.  My heart aches for this poor girl, and I hope and pray that god performs a miracle and heals her child in the womb.  Upon discussing the situation with another friend and co-worker in my home, D chimes in and tells me, and I quote "I'm sorry, but if you found out that our child had down syndrome, and YOU didn't get rid of IT, I would leave you."  Seriously. Word for word.  My heart is still crushed, and we really haven't spoken since, other than when I confronted him about it days later he stated that he may have been a 'little' harsh, but after how I was with losing Sebastion, he couldn't even imagine how bad I would be in that situation.  And that I didn't have to LIVE WITH MYSELF after he died.   Again.  Dumbfounded.  I have to live with myself each and every miserable moment of my life since that fateful day.  And will continue to have to do so for the rest of my life.  Apparently, according to his perspective, I am just supposed to be able to sweep the fact that I gave birth to our DEAD son under the rug.  Forget about it, life goes on. At least for the rest of us.  I wish I knew how that was possible.  I had actually started feeling like I was in a good place, and then the big bad proverbial wolf came and blew my house down.  I miss Sebastion deeply, I always will.  And I am terrified of what will happen to my mind IF our rainbow should befall the same fate... but I am so full of hope that THAT will not be the case.  I am doing everything I can to keep myself, and him, healthy and to stay optimistic... But. I am starting to feel as though D could care less.  I chose not to have an amnio, because for me, the results wouldn't matter.  I will love my child regardless, and the less stress, the better.  But now I have to worry about whether or not we will be alone.
When I was pregnant with our first child, he would come to every prenatal appointment with me.  I think he may have missed one.  But he was great!  With Sebastion, he worked at a different job than with our first, and he missed a few appointments, but still came when ever he was able to.  And now, when I need support more than ever... and I have more appointments than ever before... he has made it to one appointment, and one ultrasound.  I understand, life is busy.  I do.  But... fuck.