Monday, November 8, 2010

two steps back...

I think I have been getting through each day by living in some sort of dream world.  I have been keeping myself busy enough that I simply just don't allow myself the time to wallow in self pitty... funny how things catch up to you when you least expect it.  I don't want it to seem like I don't grieve for the loss of my son... I DO.  Everyday.  I just do it alone. Ok, not alone... I most often find myself crying as I am rocking my daughter to sleep... something about the darkness and the quiet, I just can't help myself... I squeeze her just a little tighter as the tears silently run down my cheeks. And I stare at the ceiling, using my x-ray vision to look through it, into the stars, to where my baby is resting in the arms of god, surrounded by his new found friends... the angel babies.

So yesterday I go to work... I am a server... aka, I put on the fakest happy face possible and tend to every beck and call of the people in our community who think I owe them something because I didn't better myself by going to college and getting a "REAL" job.  I have worked at said job for nearly 6 years, initially full time (and then some)  but since the birth of my now 2 1/2 year old daughter, I only serve 3 days a week. (I don't think I could handle more than that). I'm getting sidetracked. *Focus*  Ahem... so yesterday, I go to work... only this time, I can't leave everything behind when I walk through the door.  As I'm walking around taking orders, getting drinks, delivering salads, and entrees and cheesecake... I can't seem to get the image of my dead son lying in my arms out of my head.  The image consumed me.  I couldn't fight back the tears, as I am looking at two of my co-workers walking around with babies in their bellies.  It just isn't fair.  So, for the first time in my life I admitted to myself that I couldn't make it alone.  I called my man in for backup...in the form of xanax.  Yes.  I medicated my way through a night at work.  The image never left my head, as I'm sure it probably never will... but the tears, eventually did stop flowing, and my friend was actually able to put a genuine smile on my face before the night was over.  I never pictured myself as a person who needed medication to face the public, but then again, I never pictured myself giving birth to a lifeless baby.

I miss you baby, with every ounce of my being. I will hold you in my heart until I may hold you in my arms again.

Oh yes, and because I haven't blogged in quite some time... you should head over to  http://babybeblessed.blogspot.com/ and check out the doll that they are graciously giving away...hopefully it's not too late, but even if it is, check out the site anyway... the dolls are beautiful!

2 comments:

  1. Oh Bethany. I am so sorry. I know exactly how you feel...we try so hard to be strong on the outside when on the inside we feel like we are dying. And with you...it burst out...as it has with me before. And there is nothing wrong with medication, if you need it, you need it. Shit, medication is what got me through the first month after the boys died. What you have gone through is tragic and horrible. Like you...the image of my dead sons is forever burned into my brain. I am praying for you and know that I am here of you ever need to talk. Much love to you.

    ♥ sebastion ♥

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  2. Hey - just wanted to answer your question about my surgery!

    After the boys died we had many test done and found nothing. So my doctors concluded that I have an Incompetent Cervix. So therefore I have to have a cerclage put in if I want any chance of carrying my next pregnancy to term. There is a regular vaginal cerclage but after doing research I just don't feel it is right for me. I will more than likely have to be on bed rest and with two kids and a husband that works long hours, I can't be on bed rest for 20+ weeks. So I am having an abdominal cerclage placed in. It is permanent and I will have to have c-sections with any later pregnancies. [I have to have c-sections anyway because of how they cut into my uterus during Colton's emergency c-section) So that really won't affect me. They will cut over my scar (about 3 inches) and tie my cervix shut at the very top. Somewhat of a "bionic cervix". LOL.

    wow, that was a lot! I'm hoping to have it done in January so we can begin TTC. I also have PCOS (cysts on my ovaries, I don't ovulate like a "normal" woman does) so I'm not sure how long it will take us to get pregnant.

    God, I sound all jacked up don't I!? LOL.

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