Thursday, February 24, 2011

So after reading my last post (which I thought was very heartfelt and somewhat happy) my boyfriend asks me if I need therapy.  REALLY?!  He tells me that he knows I am not ok (duh!) and that he doesn't feel it is right for me to be taking pictures of myself crying.  My response:  photos are just a documentation.  This is a time in my life that I do not want to forget (not that I ever think I will).  I also told him that I regret not taking more photos of Sebastion when we had the chance, so NOW I take photos of anything and everything to make up for it.
This is not a bashing on my man (whom I LOVE beyond control)  just something I needed to get off my chest, as is with most of my ramblings that I post here, that only a select few of you actually seem to read... I am considering starting a new blog and keeping it private, so that I really CAN just let everything pour out... perhaps that could be therapy.  I still limit myself with what I put out there on this blog for fear of saying the wrong thing and hurting someone's feelings.  (Who knows, people could actually be reading this without being one of my 10  followers. (A couple of those in which have never even said hello.))  Just a thought.  Someday maybe. 
Anyhow, on a happier (?) note... the crying has become fewer and farther between... I have begun to enjoy the little things in life again, and can't get enough of spending time with my spectacular daughter... without her, I would be completely lost.  (I've said it before, and I will say it til the day I die).   I love my family, I just wish that there wasn't a piece of it missing.  And for that matter, I wish that there wasn't a hole in my heart.

Thursday, February 17, 2011

Bring on the sunshine!

I am so unbelievably excited for spring.  Perhaps fresh air is what I needed along... it's giving me that nudge I needed to try and come up out of this funk.  I am so excited to see sprouts coming out of the ground... flowers, caterpillars, butterflies... LIFE.  I want to see color, smell the fresh scents on the air, and feel my toes in the grass.  Blow bubbles with my daughter,  feed the goldfish, go fishing, and have picnics with my son. Today was the first day in months I did not need a coat to visit his grave... nor did I have to wade through snow, or skate around on top of ice. 

On Valentines Day (when we did the balloon release) I had also taken a balloon on a stick to place at his grave, but the ground was still frozen so I couldn't get the darn thing in the ground, and the wind was so strong that it was ripped from my hands and there was no way I could chase after it holding onto my daughter, and the balloons, trying not to fall on the ice.  Today I bought a candle holder for him and decided to deliver it on the way to my parents.  Lily had fallen asleep on the drive, so I actually had the chance to hang out for awhile.  I listened to Let it Be on my ipod and sang my heart out to my baby boy, while the tears flowed.  It felt good. Honestly.

  I also found the balloon trapped in the corner of the cemetery, next to the fence.

I am really a fan of having a candle there... thought never even occurred to me until I saw it in the store today.

I figure if anyone else goes to visit him, they can light a flame while there.  It blew out at least half a dozen times today...the cemetery is actually located at the highest point in our county, which means there is almost always a wonderful breeze... incredibly windy at times even... but that also means that sitting at Sebastion's grave is also the most beautiful place to watch the sunset.

It felt so good to watch the sunset with him again.   

 And after the sun had set, the reflections on the clouds were brilliant:)

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

the weekend in photos

Thanks to the ladies at S.O.B.B.S.  for sending these packets for us to donate in Sebastion's memory to our local hospital, where both of our children were born.  (In the same room to boot)  If you would like to make a donation to this organization in Sebastion's honor click here.

We had a balloon release... but it was FREEZING with extremely forceful winds, which made it hard to get  any good photos... that is my Momma, holding my daughter.

I LOVE when the moon can be seen during is absolutely beautiful! 
Time seems to move forward so quickly, and yet I feel like I am stuck in a time warp all at once.  I can't believe it has been 6 months since we lost him.  I still haven't quite figured out how to live this life.  I have been hiding underneath a rock for most of those months.  I do keep busy, don't get me wrong... too busy actually.  Idle time just makes me more depressed, therefore I don't ever seem to relax.  And it is taking it's toll on me.  I am exhausted.  Completely.  And the love of my life is exhausted with me for it.  I have a hard time getting past the guilt that I feel when I feel happy.  That probably doesn't make sense to most people.  But I DO feel guilty when I feel good.  My son died... how on earth am I supposed to feel happy again?  Make the guilt stop. Please.  Before it destroys my love.

I wanted to upload some photos from the weekend, and the things that we did to honor our son, but for some reason, I can't.  The internet is not being my friend today, or yesterday.  Everytime I go to a new page it tells me that a script will not load... and when I try to upload simply fails.  Meh. 

Soooo... instead, I will go back to running more virus scans and disecting the computer to try to fix the problem... which most likely will lead to calling my computer tech geekie friend who usually comes to the rescue in times like these:)

Thursday, February 10, 2011

Made with Love

I spent countless hours this past week creating personalized hand made valentines for the From My Angel To Your Angel program... A LOT of love was put into these Valentines... I hope that it can be felt when the envelopes are opened.  It felt refreshing dropping them of at the post office last night... I also hope that they arrive in time.

to Madeline, from Sebastion

made with love
 In addition to the snail mail valentines... I also chose to make email valentines:

I should mention....  I HATE VALENTINES DAY!!  I think it is absurb, and stopped celebrating it when I was a freshman in high school (that was quite some time ago).  BUT being a 'good' momma, I did not want to enforce my beliefs upon my daughter, and have bought her a gift for every year she has been with us... And now I will continue to do so for my son.  Their daddy and I, however, still choose not to celebrate.

Speaking of my daughter... the poor thing has had a rough week  She started last week by coming down with strep throat, and started this week with roseola.  She is now our little polka-dot princess.  Red spots EVERYWHERE. Praying that next week, we will have no ailments. 

And in other news... Saturday the 12th will mark 6 months since we said goodbye.  Sigh.  I miss you Sebastion... every second of everyday. 

Thursday, February 3, 2011

Deep Breaths

Time for a little rant.
It could be the fact that my ovaries seem to be attacking me... or the multiple clots that my uterus has been forcing to leave my body... or the severe lack of sleep for the past 3 days... or the fact that my 2 year old has strep throat... or the house that refuses to clean itself.... or the cakes that will not bake themselves... or the mass amounts of customers who seem to think that being a server makes me sub-human... or the inches upon inches of ice that make leaving the confines of my house treacherous... the cats that puke up fur balls on an almost daily basis... the 'spare' bedroom that taunts me from down the hall...   the totes full of clothes that he will never wear... the family pictures that will never be complete... the voice in my head that will never shut up... the hole in my heart that will never heal...or the fact that my child died.
Take your pick... which reason should be the reason for the complete and total frustration I feel?  Is it possible to take a vacation from oneself?