I know it's been awhile again...I'm really bad at this whole blogging thing...but then again, I rarely get any free time to actually sit down and think...let alone, type out my thoughts. I should be updating with happy thoughts about how wonderfully blessed I am in my life, I have had many blessings as of late... but alas... I do not care to talk about them at the moment.
I am soooooo fucking agitated that I wish my head would explode before I take frustrations out in ways that may hurt myself. I'm not really sure why, but every since I woke up this morning, I have this constant nagging feeling that runs throughout my arms and hands... it's driving me insane. And I have NOOOO fucking patience for anything. And I mean anything. My poor daughter cried for nearly half an hour because I refused to let her have chocolate for breakfast...so she in turn refused to eat. That has been an all day battle, but I FINALLY won. She ate a late lunch.... like 4 o'clock late. But hey, she has food in her belly, and not sugar.
My boyfriend came busting in from work like a hurricane, only to tell me in passing as he got ready for job #2, that he got fired from job #1. He hated the job anyway, but it still is going to set us back a bit. Looks like I will have to start picking up more hours at the job that I hate now. Happy happy joy joy.
I think the kicker is that I know I should have a brand new baby in my arms at the moment. I miss my son so much, and the desire for a second child only grows stronger and stronger by the day. I feel like I have been cheated in life. I will never be complete. And now my head hurts.
I need a drink. and some peace and quiet.
I wonder if any other baby loss mommas completely lost their libido after losing their child. I have a hard time finding pleasure in...well, anything. I love my boyfriend dearly, he is indeed THE love of my life, and I have no doubt in my mind that I want to spend the rest of my life with him...but for some reason... I'm just not interested in sex...and he is growing to despise me for it. Perhaps it is the hormones in the birth control pills... perhaps it is the self loathing...perhaps it is just me. Who fucking knows. Perhaps I SHOULD take the advise of people I know and go get my head shrinked. Oh, wait... don't have the fucking money for that either. Aye. Aye. Anyone have a deep dark hole that I can hide in for awhile. I don't think my family would miss me TOO much.