Monday, December 27, 2010

arrgh

I know it's been awhile again...I'm really bad at this whole blogging thing...but then again, I rarely get any free time to actually sit down and think...let alone, type out my thoughts.  I should be updating with happy thoughts about how wonderfully blessed I am in my life, I have had many blessings as of late... but alas... I do not care to talk about them at the moment.
I am soooooo fucking agitated  that I wish my head would explode before I take frustrations out in ways that may hurt myself.  I'm not really sure why, but every since I woke up this morning, I have this constant nagging feeling that runs throughout my arms and hands... it's driving me insane.  And I have NOOOO fucking patience for anything.  And I mean anything.  My poor daughter cried for nearly half an hour because I refused to let her have chocolate for breakfast...so she in turn refused to eat. That has been an all day battle, but I FINALLY won.  She ate a late lunch.... like 4 o'clock late.  But hey, she has food in her belly, and not sugar. 
My boyfriend came busting in from work like a hurricane, only to tell me in passing as he got ready for job #2, that he got fired from job #1.  He hated the job anyway, but it still is going to set us back a bit.  Looks like I will have to start picking up more hours at the job that I hate now.  Happy happy joy joy. 
I think the kicker is that I know I should have a brand new baby in my arms at the moment.  I miss my son so much, and the desire for a second child only grows stronger and stronger by the day.  I feel like I have been cheated in life.  I will never be complete.  And now my head hurts. 
I need a drink.  and some peace and quiet. 
Deep breath.
I wonder if any other baby loss mommas completely lost their libido after losing their child.  I have a hard time finding pleasure in...well, anything.  I love my boyfriend dearly, he is indeed THE love of my life, and I have no doubt in my mind that I want to spend the rest of my life with him...but for some reason... I'm just not interested in sex...and he is growing to despise me for it.  Perhaps it is the hormones in the birth control pills... perhaps it is the self loathing...perhaps it is just me.  Who fucking knows.  Perhaps I SHOULD take the advise of people I know and go get my head shrinked.  Oh, wait... don't have the fucking money for that either.  Aye. Aye.  Anyone have a deep  dark hole that I can hide in for awhile.  I don't think my family would miss me TOO much.

2 comments:

  1. Hey I just started reading your blog (followed you from Epic Fail) and I really wanted to tell you how sorry I am that you've lost your sweet Sebastion. I lost my son on August 5, 2009, so I have an idea of how you're feeling. I had the same kind of empty feeling...where you feel like your arms should be full but aren't. You're not crazy (or we both are I suppose. Give yourself time to heal. It does get better... eventually.

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  2. Once again, I know EXACTLY how you feel. This past week has just been really...I don't know, annoying? I don't know, I just feel constantly agitated and I could not tell you really why. And I get it about the sex thing. I really have no interest in it what so ever but I give in after a week or so because I know as a man, being turned down day after day, will only make us have issues. And I have enough issues of my own right now, I'd really like to NOT add anymore onto the list.

    Wish you lived closer so we could go get a drink and talk! How nice would that be?

    Thinking of you always. Missing sweet Sebastion with you. ((hugs)) ♥

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