6 weeks later

Yesterday I went to the doctor for a 6 week follow up.  It was the longest and loneliest appointment I've been to.  Sitting in the waiting area, I watched all the pregnant mommies rubbing their beautiful pregnant bellies, thinking to myself... that should be me.  Waiting in the examination room, I laid there thinking about how the last time I was in that room, I heard the wonderful sound of Sebastion's heart beating.  And I'm left thinking... it's not fair.  So today, I will be going back to the medical clinic to have several vials of blood drawn so that my doctor can rule out any rare conditions that may have caused the blood clot in the uterus. He is doing all that he can to try to prevent this heart breaking situation from happening again. Speaking of heartbreaking... I NEVER could have imagined this amount of pain.  I miss my baby boy so much.  I know that I am truely blessed with my beautiful daughter, but my arms feel so empty.  It has been 6 weeks, and the numbness is beginning to subside, leaving gut wrenching pain in it's place.   Trying to sleep last night, I felt like the worst mother in the world, when I realized that I never even examined his tiny little body.  I mean, yes, I studied his face, and his tiny little hands and fingers, kissed his little forehead... but I never even looked for the proof that he was a boy.  I wish that I had taken more pictures. Held him just a little bit longer. Told him how much I love him one more time.  My sweet sweet Sebastion.  I dream of the day I hold you in my arms again.  Please watch over your big sister, and keep her safe and strong.  I hope that you felt her love and kisses, she misses you greatly and yet you never got the chance to see her face.