Saturday, December 11, 2010

Ups and Downs, and in-be-tweens...

As any other baby loss momma knows... the holidays flat out fucking suck. Last week I had to ask my boss to 'kill the christmas music, before it killed me... his response was... MAN! Since when are you all 'bah humbug?'  to which my response was...since I lost my son.  (I think he had forgotten... he quickly apologized for being insensitive, and I said it was ok, through my tears)   I'm trying REALLY REALLY REALLY hard to have a good attitude about it, mostly for the sake of my daughter, but I wish beyond wishes that Sebastion was here with us.  And let me clarify that a little bit.  I wish he was still brewing in my belly, preparing to make his entrance... WHICH should have been happening with in the next week, or two. INSTEAD... friday will make for months since I gave birth to a dead baby.  Yes, it sounds that much worse when you put it that way, I know, but there isn't a nice way of saying it.  Aye... this was supposed to be a happy post!  Get the negative out first? and end on a happy note... Let's try.

Yesterday I had the pleasure of meeting 2 of my former co-workers babies... Emily, a beautiful little girl, who shares a birthday with Sebastion.  Meeting her was like a kick in the fucking face. And Gavin. Gavin's mommy and I found out we were pregnant very close together... she had complications during her pregnancy and was concidered high risk, mostly because the ultrasound showed a mass on Gavin's lung... they had her convinced that he would need surgery upon arrival.  He was born just before Thanksgiving, and so far so good... A miracle occured, and he has been surgery free.  Beautiful little thing that he is.  I'm really, truely happy for these babies, and that they are healthy and happy... but is it ok for me to say that I am jealous?  Seriously fucking jealous.  (sorry, I've tried to watch my language on here, but can't really do it any longer... if you don't like it don't fucking read it)  Deep breath.  Moving on.  Early in my pregnancy with Sebastion, I knew 2 women who had received terrible news about their pregnancies.. Gavin's mommy whom I already mentioned, and Dagan's mommy.  Dagan's mommy was informed that he had right heart syndrome when she was nearly 7 months along (she actually didn't even know she was pregnant until @ 6 months)...Dagan is 3 months old now, and doing well.  He has had one heart surgery, and will have another at 6 months, and yet another at 2 years.   I remember hearing these stories and feeling such heart break for these women... I couldn't even imagine at the time, the sorrow they must have felt... little did I know.  Now, the women whom I felt such sorrow for get to cuddle with their beautiful baby boys, and when they see me, look at me with pity, and have no words to say.  Life is funny, isn't it?

I want a baby.

Moving on... yesterday was filled with many emotions.  I learned that one of my favorite customers, 'the Poet' as I always referred to him, passed away last week.  This saddens me greatly.  The first day I met this incredible man he told me this:  "Today is the Tomorrow that you worried about Yesterday"  and I have never forgotten those words.  They have actually helped me through some very difficult times in my life (divorce, heart break, dead baby, more heart break).  A mantra, if you will, that has hung on my fridge in my past 3 homes.  It brougt tears to my eyes as I spoke those words to his widow.  But the story I told her about when we first met, put a smile on her face, if only for a moment.  RIP Dean... aka, the Poet.

I was also reminded yesterday that I do indeed have a few friends that care about, and actually love me... a dear dear friend gave me this:

the first I have actually seen his monogram
When you shake it, it makes the sound of chinese medicine balls... absolutely beautiful. The friend who was so kind to gift this... I love her.  Her son was born just a few weeks before we found out we were pregnant with ours.  We so looked forward to our sons playing together.  They would have been the best of friends.

And ending on a happy note... when shopping for my FOL/FOH gift exchange I found this:
 And instantly fell in love.  Yet another phrase that has gotten me through some really tough times.  I don't know why the picture is loading sideways though.
Speaking of shopping... I can't wait for my gift exchange partner to receive her gift...I'm really excited about it, and I hope she loves it:)  I'll post pictures, once she confirms that she has gotten it.  Many pictures to come actually, once I have completed all the projects I am currently working on...a painting, and christmas ornaments...

Til next time... wishing you peace, love, and some sort of happiness.

1 comment:

  1. ((hugs)) and more ((hugs)) That gift is absolutely beautiful ♥ I know what you mean about the Christmas music...I hate entering any damn store right now because all I hear is cheery music and honestly, all I want to do is smack the person singing it. I know, harsh but this time of year of just not the same anymore. But like you said...the little ones still look forward to it and so happy faces all around for them. I'm thinking of you always and I hope Sebastion, Bryston and Colton are up there playing together. ♥