Wednesday, December 29, 2010

on a happier note

Ok....lets try for a happy post...
After my day of feeling insane and annoyed and pissed at the world, my wonderful boyfriend continued to try to lift  my spirits by telling me how sorry he was that I was having a bad day, and gracing me with his usual loving comments of how beautiful and 'sexy' he finds me.  (I haven't felt sexy since I gained 65 pounds with my first pregnancy, but he assures me that I have nothing to fear, it's nice.)   He really is amazing, even though I do not give him enough credit most of the time. 
I thought I would share some of the amazing gifts that have been bestowed upon me...

I LOVE LOVE LOVE this ring :)

Little bird house shall be placed outside in the spring...lets just hope nobody steals it.

still need to find the perfect place to hang this
I mentioned once to my momma that dragonflies were viewed as a symbol of remembrance  (and Tiffany's theory on winks)... she has been buying me all sorts of dragonfly items since.  Love her.

And back to my AMAZING boyfriend.... he purchased my FIRST EVER dishwasher as a christmas gift for me... couldn't be happier to have it, and my wonderful big brother actually installed it yesterday :)  Nearly 30 minutes after opening said dishwasher, D asks me if I looked inside to check out the cool features...  When I opened it, this beauty was dangling inside:
The tears INSTANTLY started flowing... I was so happy that he thought to get me something in honor of Sebastion.  So beautiful by itself, but since I never take Sebastion's moon urn off, I felt that they should share a chain:

I have also been blessed with another give away prize from Dana at the midnight orange... I will post a photo of the lovely sculpture once it has arrived... and my dear friend Trena has chosen to pay one of her giveaways foward to me. I am still trying to decide what image I would like the pendant to have, but once that is finished and received, I will post pictures of it as well. 
I truly do have some amazing people in my life, and for that I AM greatful.

Monday, December 27, 2010


I know it's been awhile again...I'm really bad at this whole blogging thing...but then again, I rarely get any free time to actually sit down and think...let alone, type out my thoughts.  I should be updating with happy thoughts about how wonderfully blessed I am in my life, I have had many blessings as of late... but alas... I do not care to talk about them at the moment.
I am soooooo fucking agitated  that I wish my head would explode before I take frustrations out in ways that may hurt myself.  I'm not really sure why, but every since I woke up this morning, I have this constant nagging feeling that runs throughout my arms and hands... it's driving me insane.  And I have NOOOO fucking patience for anything.  And I mean anything.  My poor daughter cried for nearly half an hour because I refused to let her have chocolate for she in turn refused to eat. That has been an all day battle, but I FINALLY won.  She ate a late lunch.... like 4 o'clock late.  But hey, she has food in her belly, and not sugar. 
My boyfriend came busting in from work like a hurricane, only to tell me in passing as he got ready for job #2, that he got fired from job #1.  He hated the job anyway, but it still is going to set us back a bit.  Looks like I will have to start picking up more hours at the job that I hate now.  Happy happy joy joy. 
I think the kicker is that I know I should have a brand new baby in my arms at the moment.  I miss my son so much, and the desire for a second child only grows stronger and stronger by the day.  I feel like I have been cheated in life.  I will never be complete.  And now my head hurts. 
I need a drink.  and some peace and quiet. 
Deep breath.
I wonder if any other baby loss mommas completely lost their libido after losing their child.  I have a hard time finding pleasure in...well, anything.  I love my boyfriend dearly, he is indeed THE love of my life, and I have no doubt in my mind that I want to spend the rest of my life with him...but for some reason... I'm just not interested in sex...and he is growing to despise me for it.  Perhaps it is the hormones in the birth control pills... perhaps it is the self loathing...perhaps it is just me.  Who fucking knows.  Perhaps I SHOULD take the advise of people I know and go get my head shrinked.  Oh, wait... don't have the fucking money for that either.  Aye. Aye.  Anyone have a deep  dark hole that I can hide in for awhile.  I don't think my family would miss me TOO much.

Sunday, December 19, 2010

Sebastion's ultrasound canvas

If you know me, you know that Sebastion's due date is quickly approaching... December 21st.  If he had been anything like his sister, he would have arrived yesterday... 3 days early.  I'm finding it hard to breathe when I think about it.  I can't believe how much my heart aches.  I actually just learned that on 12/20-12/21, there will be a total lunar eclipse!  A total eclipse of the moon... on the day that our little moon baby was meant to arrive!  I find this incredibly fascinating!  Something to actually look forward to... and if you happen to watch it, and have a camera...please think of our sweet little boy and take a picture for me?

Yesterday I received my giveaway prize... It is amazing:)  Thank you so much Tina!  To say I love it would be an understatement.

I have yet to decide where the perfect place for hanging it shall be, so in the meantime,  it will remain the center piece on the mantel, which is dedicated to Sebastion as well, with the exception of our betta fish (who continues to remain nameless).
so beautiful
I atually think that this could be mistaken for a picture of clouds... maybe it's the lighting...I don't know. 

I just have to say, once again, how thankful I am for the kindness of others:) 

Friday, December 17, 2010

the kindness of others

I'm feeling a little bit better, I guess.  Yesterday my mom and I went christmas shopping, which was exhausting! Mentally and physically. We were gone for 13 freaking hours!  But, our little kiddo is going to have a wonderful christmas, even if her mommy spends some of it crying.  Poor kid... I feel like all she sees me do anymore is cry... she will walk up to me at random and give me a hug and a kiss and say 'all better now momma?'  'I make you happy'... she is precious.  And now she is sick. She woke up puking this morning... in the bed, on the floor, in the rocking chair... and then I was carrying her down the stairs to use the potty, I slipped and fell down the bottom 2 steps, but at least I held on to her tight, and she didn't get hurt.  What a lovely start to the day:)  Daddy has to call off work this evening because nobody wants to baby sit a sick kid...including grandma.  At least it's not christmas yet, right?

On a happier note... I have received some amazing gifts in the past week that I would like to share:
lovely giraffe ornament

another wonderful ornament

super cute coffee cup with baby giraffe inside

fun stuff for the kiddo
The above gifts were from my FOL/FOH gift exchange partner, Kate.  She is amazing, and amazingly thoughtful.  I loved all the gifts that she sent to us, and there are actually a few more that aren't pictured. It really touched my heart that she was thoughtful enough to send a care package for Liliana.  The kindness of others amazes me. Thank you sooo much Kate:)

And here are some other ornaments gifted to us this week:
mother and child wood cutout from my wonderful momma

surprise from my aunt cathy

a better view

S is for Sebastion

snowman for Lily

i love turtles, thanks again to my momma.

L is for Liliana

I'm so thankful for the thoughts and sentiments behind all of these gifts.  I love my friends and family:)

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

I have so many feelings and emotions running through my body that I don't even know where to begin, so I won't.  Back to my little hole until I get the energy to let it out.  Someday....

Saturday, December 11, 2010

Ups and Downs, and in-be-tweens...

As any other baby loss momma knows... the holidays flat out fucking suck. Last week I had to ask my boss to 'kill the christmas music, before it killed me... his response was... MAN! Since when are you all 'bah humbug?'  to which my response was...since I lost my son.  (I think he had forgotten... he quickly apologized for being insensitive, and I said it was ok, through my tears)   I'm trying REALLY REALLY REALLY hard to have a good attitude about it, mostly for the sake of my daughter, but I wish beyond wishes that Sebastion was here with us.  And let me clarify that a little bit.  I wish he was still brewing in my belly, preparing to make his entrance... WHICH should have been happening with in the next week, or two. INSTEAD... friday will make for months since I gave birth to a dead baby.  Yes, it sounds that much worse when you put it that way, I know, but there isn't a nice way of saying it.  Aye... this was supposed to be a happy post!  Get the negative out first? and end on a happy note... Let's try.

Yesterday I had the pleasure of meeting 2 of my former co-workers babies... Emily, a beautiful little girl, who shares a birthday with Sebastion.  Meeting her was like a kick in the fucking face. And Gavin. Gavin's mommy and I found out we were pregnant very close together... she had complications during her pregnancy and was concidered high risk, mostly because the ultrasound showed a mass on Gavin's lung... they had her convinced that he would need surgery upon arrival.  He was born just before Thanksgiving, and so far so good... A miracle occured, and he has been surgery free.  Beautiful little thing that he is.  I'm really, truely happy for these babies, and that they are healthy and happy... but is it ok for me to say that I am jealous?  Seriously fucking jealous.  (sorry, I've tried to watch my language on here, but can't really do it any longer... if you don't like it don't fucking read it)  Deep breath.  Moving on.  Early in my pregnancy with Sebastion, I knew 2 women who had received terrible news about their pregnancies.. Gavin's mommy whom I already mentioned, and Dagan's mommy.  Dagan's mommy was informed that he had right heart syndrome when she was nearly 7 months along (she actually didn't even know she was pregnant until @ 6 months)...Dagan is 3 months old now, and doing well.  He has had one heart surgery, and will have another at 6 months, and yet another at 2 years.   I remember hearing these stories and feeling such heart break for these women... I couldn't even imagine at the time, the sorrow they must have felt... little did I know.  Now, the women whom I felt such sorrow for get to cuddle with their beautiful baby boys, and when they see me, look at me with pity, and have no words to say.  Life is funny, isn't it?

I want a baby.

Moving on... yesterday was filled with many emotions.  I learned that one of my favorite customers, 'the Poet' as I always referred to him, passed away last week.  This saddens me greatly.  The first day I met this incredible man he told me this:  "Today is the Tomorrow that you worried about Yesterday"  and I have never forgotten those words.  They have actually helped me through some very difficult times in my life (divorce, heart break, dead baby, more heart break).  A mantra, if you will, that has hung on my fridge in my past 3 homes.  It brougt tears to my eyes as I spoke those words to his widow.  But the story I told her about when we first met, put a smile on her face, if only for a moment.  RIP Dean... aka, the Poet.

I was also reminded yesterday that I do indeed have a few friends that care about, and actually love me... a dear dear friend gave me this:

the first I have actually seen his monogram
When you shake it, it makes the sound of chinese medicine balls... absolutely beautiful. The friend who was so kind to gift this... I love her.  Her son was born just a few weeks before we found out we were pregnant with ours.  We so looked forward to our sons playing together.  They would have been the best of friends.

And ending on a happy note... when shopping for my FOL/FOH gift exchange I found this:
 And instantly fell in love.  Yet another phrase that has gotten me through some really tough times.  I don't know why the picture is loading sideways though.
Speaking of shopping... I can't wait for my gift exchange partner to receive her gift...I'm really excited about it, and I hope she loves it:)  I'll post pictures, once she confirms that she has gotten it.  Many pictures to come actually, once I have completed all the projects I am currently working on...a painting, and christmas ornaments...

Til next time... wishing you peace, love, and some sort of happiness.

Saturday, December 4, 2010

Beer, pizza, and pain pills...

Again... it's been a bit since I've taken the time to type something up... I think about it, and then I end up reading the ramblings of others, whose lives just seem more interesting than my own... a bit of an escape from my own personal hell, if you will.

By the way.... I WON I WON I WON!  I couldn't be more excited about 25 days of giveaways.. AND the fact that I ACTUALLY won an AMAZING (amazing amazing amazing) gift. THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!! I seriously can not wait to receive the canvas of Sebastion's last ultrasound in the mail so that I can cry as I hang it up in our home.  Not that I'm looking forward to the crying part, it's just inevitable.  I cried in wal-mart the other day as I was in the craft department... stoooopid christmas music. (ok, I was also looking at the most perfect scrapbooking set: newborn baby boy, complete with giraffes)  The waterworks just came a flowing, and random people were staring at me like a crazy person.  Go figure.  One of these days I am going to explode on an inocent bistander, and then, when I'm finished screaming and crying... I will laugh. And it will feel good.

I'm trying really hard to come up with the PERFECT gift for my Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope gift exchange partner... I now have less than a week to get it mailed out, and haven't even started making it, nor purchased the supplies to do so... would probably help if I could make a decision as to what I'm planning... Apparently I am indecisive.  Extemely indecisive.

Beer and Pizza are yummy... pain pills, at times are necessary.  This would be one of those times.  I am still questioning the decision to take birth control pills.  For some reason, even though they are intended to REGULATE periods, this is the second time in the past 3 months that I have started over a week EARLY.  WTF?  and last month, I was a few days late...what gives?  I think I was regulated more with out the darn things.  And every time I swallow one of the mini little baby preventers... I stare at it and think, "Why?"  Why the hell am I killing my chances of having another baby?  Damn it.  I want Sebastion back!!! 

After a week, we finally managed to take Sebastion's tree out to the cemetary.  They actually make solar powered strands of LED christmas lights...who knew???  I can't wait to see what the tree looks like when it is actually lit up:)
Sebastion's star

One of MANY tiny ornaments

Daddy securing the tree so it won't blow over

Love you baby boy... 
It will look so much better  once we get a headstone...haven't been able to bring myself to look at them yet...some day.

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

How fitting that today is our first snow...

Spent an evening with my parents last nite, and while I was explaing  the 'how I would just like to go to sleep until new years eve so that I can wake up in time to tell this year to kiss my ass theory'  my dad looks at me and explains that not the ENTIRE year was bad... think back to those 5 months before Sebastion died... those happy moments when everything was bliss. And he is right.  Leave it to my dad to always look at the bright side of life... the forever optimist.  Got to love him.  My dad is a wonderful man.  I am really lucky that my parents are my parents.  They truely are amazing.  And it means the world to me that they do not hesitate to talk about Sebastion.  They are still grieving for the loss of their grandson.  They haven't just swept it under the rug like so many other people that surround me.  I have 'friends' that to this day, nearly 4 months later, still haven't even acknowledged the fact that our child died.  Not a mention of his name nor an 'I am sorry for your loss.'  Those are the people that I would like to tell to kiss my ass on a good day... on a bad day, I vizualize myself kicking them in the head.  Just a thought.
And another thought...  Flipping the calander to the month of December was like being slapped across the face... December 21st.. Due Date with a big ole smiley face.  (also the full moon, yet another moon connection, thanks baby). Ouch, this gonna hurt.