Wednesday, March 30, 2011

the honeymoon is over...

Apparently every couple has a honeymoon phase, and I have been informed that ours has ended.  Funny, considering we are not married, or engaged, or what have you... it's only a piece of paper, right? 

In 4 years, 3 months, and 21 days time we have been through a lot a cluster-fuck of shit.  We have yet to celebrate any sort of anniversary.... couldn't tell you why, it's not like the dates do not exist, we just don't acknowledge them?  We celebrate birthdays, and some holidays, but anniversaries, not a one.  I guess I am still holding onto hope in that regards... or perhaps IF there comes a day that we DO become engaged, or (gasp) get married... we will celebrate those dates.  (I think it goes without saying, but I DO intend to grow old and gray with the love of my life... honeymoon or not)

In the beginning... we were both fragile, brittle, and a bit broken.  He picked me up when I was down and I pulled him down when he would climb too high.  I think back to the times when my family had yet to meet the love of my life... Me having been married at the age of 20 to my senior year boyfriend, and 4 years ago still awaiting court dates to finalize the divorce, and living on my own for the first time in my life, enjoying my new found UNcontrolled freedom... When our eyes first met, he took my breath away.  The most incredibly attractive man I had shared a smile with, no way did he even notice me.  A few weeks go by and we meet again.  This time we speak, as we find ourselves alone in the back of a mutual friends' car while said friend was taking a crap in the local wally world.  We were all headed to a show in the parking lot of our local Sam Goody (only music store in town)  to watch my soon-to-be Ex husband and a good friend perform songs I had heard far too many times over.  And a few that I hadn't heard before that were stabs at what an evil person I was for walking away.  Wow... that was an entire lifetime ago.  A part of my life I do not think of often.  Back to the beginning of the present (and future).  Back to the back of the car...we connected.  He made me nervous with his smile, it sliced through me like a warm knife in butter.  (it still does)  He made me smile... showed me a little light in my dark world.  And then he went with his friends, and I with mine.  When I scanned through the small crowd of people, I noticed him face down on the ground.  He is also quite the conversationalist when he is intoxicated.  Then I watched his friends pick him up and carry him off to the car... not a small feat I must add considering he is a man of 6 feet 4 inches, and his friends we more comparable to my size (and this was my skinny phase of life....oh how I miss the skinny phase).  Weeks went by before our paths crossed again.  I had become smitten with a crazy ass lunatic that shaved his eyebrows and wore a techni-color zebra plush robe whenever he spent the night at my place... which was rather often.  I was smitten, crazy ass lunatic was just a drunk who needed a place to rest his head and a body to hold to keep the room from swaying.  We had fun for a few months, and then he found another place to rest his head.  It broke me for a day or too, and Derek was there to tell me 'chin up'.  Cheer-up butter-cup.  He even wiped my tears away and took me for a midnight stroll.  Perfect.  He had already won over a piece of my heart.  He listened.  He cared.  He had a girlfriend.  In the days to follow he teased me with open invitations for a date... I never believed him, my self esteem was far too low to think HE could be interested in me.  At one point he even stated "You pick the time and the place, and we have a date..."  I thought about for weeks, and never actually came to a decision.  We frequented the same bar and one particular evening he decided to escort me home after a long night of drinking... you know, just to ensure my safety.  We nearly watched the sunrise that morning, just talking and listening to music...smoking on the incredible balcony of my apartment.  These evenings happened a few times over the next few weeks, and I recall an evening when I told him that he need not walk home, he was welcome to stay.  He was also welcome to sleep in my bed under the condition that he 'held me'... my bed, my rules.  He became my cuddle buddy.  Months went by before we shared our first kiss... that incredibly amazing wonderful delicious first kiss.  As it turns out, that incredibly attractive stranger that caught my eye really COULD be interested in little ole me. That was the beginning:)

The day my love met my momma was the day that my dad's best friend died.  My mom showed up at my house in hysterics, sobbing over the unbelievable loss of Tom... and Derek greeted her with a warm embrace.  From that moment on, he had won a piece of her heart as well. 

The first time he told me he loved me... we had been making out in the kitchen and he looked me in the eye and asked..."Have I told you that I love you yet?" to which I responded with a simple "No."  He then gives me a sweet little kiss and says..."Don't worry, I will."

A couple of months later, I had to have out patient surgery to drain a bartholin cyst... very  traumatic to have scalpels and needles in the vaginal area...even more so to have a cyst the size of a large egg covering the most private of parts.  *shivers* Not a good moment in history.  Needless to say, this put a stop to any 'hunk-a-hunk-a burnin' love activity for a few weeks... but he stayed by my side... and loved me for being me.

to be continued....

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

7 months, in photos.

I had actually purchased this solar light for Sebastion's graves a few weeks ago, but with all the snow we have had hadn't been able to take it to the cemetery until this weekend...It was perfect though, as I had the chance to spend a bit of time there in celebration of 7 months.

In addition to the light, I also took him his 'valentine' teddy bear, and some fresh lilies. As much as I would have loved to light his candle, it was much too windy... I was actually worried that his teddy bear was going to blow away, as many of the christmas decorations that are still on other graves were blown all about the cemetery.
It was quite the sunny day... and during all the photos I snapped, this rainbow made it's presence known:)
 Just a closer look...this photo has not been altered in any way, other than a zoom and crop.  I like to think this was Sebastion's way of saying hello.... and perhaps even a blessing from him for a rainbow in the future.

The colors at sunset were captivating.... I must have taken 30 pictures, I will not post them all...
 Standing at his grave looking straight up, before sunset....

and after.

It was a lovely day:)

Saturday, March 12, 2011

7 months

It just doesn't seem possible... 7 months since I held him in my arms.  7 months since I said goodbye. 7 months since my world turned upside down. 7 months since this crazy life began. 
The sun is shining today!  I believe that makes it a perfect day to visit the cemetery and take out the new light I bought for him... perhaps light his candle, and send him some stars to heaven... his big sister agrees, but she said we have to go to the moon to visit her baby brother.

I realize whoever made this video of the puppet giraffe was most likely trying to be funny.... but I love it anyway, and it brought tears to my eyes.  Check it out:)
Hope you all have a wonderful weekend.

Sunday, March 6, 2011

random spewing.

I just spent the last 45 minutes sobbing as I read the words of grieving mothers and the way they pour their hearts out over the loss of their children... mostly killed in car accidents, babies to teens to grown adults.  I feel like I have been punched in the face.

Earlier today, I was overtaken by a migraine, just before I had to be at work.  Let me tell you... working  trying to work in a restaruant with a migraine is torture.  Their is not a single place to avoid loud noises and bright ass blinding lights...not too mention the drunk fucks at the bar cheering on the basketball game.  Good grief.  In the midst of said migraine, a (drunk) co-worker proclaims that I oughtta get used to not having enough sleep with a newborn at home.  Yes.  He went there.  When I stated that I did not have a newborn, he asked me how old my youngest child which I stated the obvious... My son died.  He SHOULD be 2 months old. 

We had a family day yesterday... took our daughter to the home and garden show...while waiting in a VERY long line to get Liliana a balloon animal, we were followed in line by a woman with a 4 year old boy, and a 7 month old girl.  I heard her story about how she was on bed rest for the last 4 months of her pregnancy and I dreamed of how wonderful that would have been... 2 kids.  2. healthy. breathing... children.  Oh how lovely that would be.  Sometimes  I worry that Liliana's childhood is being ruined by grief.  How do I miss and mourn my son, her brother, without scarring her for life?

On a side note, I have decided that I am done with the pill.  I have spent the past 11 days bleeding.  I do not see how that is regulating my periiods as the doctor had suggested. This, however, does NOT mean that we are trying.  Only that I am would like my body to try to get back to normal. What ever normal is.  I am tired of being in pain, I am tired of headaches, and I am tired of bleeding.  Oh yes.  And I am tired.