the approval

So today, I went back to the doctor (OB) to receive word on all the testing he ordered a month or so ago.  Apparently everything came back negative.  No lupus. No rare blood clotting disorders. No diabetes. No thyroid abnormalities. Nothing.  No explainations as to WHY the sub-chorionic hemmorhage was formed, or WHY we lost  our sweet little Sebastion.  Sigh. It's good to know that I have a clean bill of health, don't get me wrong, but it also sucks to not have any answers. 

The doc DID give the 'all clear' approval for trying again.  Not sure at this point when that may be... as for now... still taking the pill.  I have a month and a half supply left, and told D that he has a month to decide whether or not I stop taking them when they are gone, or if I get the script filled again.  The thought of actually trying, kind of scares the hell out of me.  What if?   BAH!

I want more children, I truly do.  I want Liliana to be a big sister, as she sooo looked forward to with Sebastion.  I just don't know if I would survive if we lost another baby. 

It has been over 2 months, and I am still battling with depression.  My doc actually prescribed Welbutrin to me over a month ago, but I don't really believe in medication... especially something that has to be taken on a daily basis, and will completely screw up the balance of my life... chemicals, what have you.  I didn't take them. Still have a completely full bottle in the medicine cabinet.  So, today... he thought I should give xanax a try.  hmmmm. we shall see.  Anybody have any advice as far as anti-depressants go?  I do not want to become dependant on a pill to get through my day, but I WOULD like to feel better.

October 15th...recap

I haven't been the best about updating this blog, I know... and I pretty much through the 50 day challenge straight out the window. Sorry.  (Not that many people read this anyway, but thanks to those of you who do)

My first October 15th as a baby loss mommy was spent, alone.  I was in the middle of preparing a four tier wedding cake so my precious little girl went to spend time with her great-grandmother, and my love spent the evening working.  So as I worked at home, I lit candles, took pictures, and cried.   I did, however, capture some great photos...and created a beautiful cake.

Before going to grandma's house... my daughter and I send some balloons up to heaven.

I'm finding that each passing day continues to be a constant struggle.  And I am also finding that I am dreading the holidays.  Sebastion was due to be born on December 21st, 2010.  I would should be 31 weeks pregnant. As the due date gets closer and closer, I find myself becoming more depressed.  YES, it has been 2 months, since we lost him.  2 months ago, today, since his ashes were laid to rest, and I can't help but feeling like nobody cares anymore.  When I mention his name, I feel as though others just tune me out.  (with the exception of a select few)  Like it's OLD news.  It is my goal to never let Sebastion's name be forgotten.  He IS my son, and even though he has died, my love for him never will.

I am also making it a goal of mine to try to put together a fund raiser/memory walk for this time next year.  I would like to raise money to be able to donate to local hospitals, for care packages of sorts to be given to future grieving families in their time of need.  Hopefully this is a goal I will accomplish.

fake it till you make it.

The angel that sits on Sebastion's grave

Today is bittersweet.
A local news station came to our house to do an interview about babyloss and promoting the faces of loss, faces of hope website.  I managed to make it through the entire interview (I have no clue how) without crying.  It is a bit unreal to me that I just told the entire cental ohio area a brief version of Sebastion's story with out showing my true emotions... I am crying as a type this.  Perhaps it was some sort of out of body experience, or better yet, I had an angel sitting on my shoulder telling me to be strong.  I love you Sebastion.  I wish everyday that I could hold you in my arms, instead of (as well as) my heart.

I had a friend tell me the other day that she thought I was a very strong person, and then she followed that statement with the remark that another of our friends was worried about me... that I was putting up a front, and that I wasn't as strong as I appeared.  To which my response was... she is a very smart girl.  I'm not ok.  I probably never will be... but as said friend stated... "fake it till you make it".

I can only hope that by telling our story on the local news, and promoting Faces, that perhaps I can help another mommy that is in pain try to cope.  I have 'met' some amazing women through the site, whom I may never actually meet face to face, but we share a very special bond, and they have impacted my life in just a few short weeks.   I now belong to a group that is full of love, hope, and kindness.  Sisters untited in tragedy.

visiting Sebastion's graveside

To write their names in sand...

 I am incredibly thankful there are people out there that take their time to do something special for angel babies.

here is a link to Sebastion's name written in the sand at sunset, in Australia....

http://namesinthesand.blogspot.com/2010/10/sebastion-rush-scott.html

That being said... I'm a bit disappointed in the fact that his name has been misspelled twice now in memorials.  I understand that we chose not to spell his name the most popular way, and even as I type this entry the spell check kicks in...BUT.... it IS the way we chose to spell.  Thought it would make him even that much more special.  I guess what I find funny is that the link is spelled correctly, as is the name on the page, but the actual name in the sand is wrong.  In no way am I trying to speak badly about Carly, I believe she does a BEAUTIFUL thing... just venting.  The same thing happened with his little Treasure Bean.

Day 1... introduce yourself.

My name is Bethany.
I am 32 years old, and I walk with a heavy heart.

I have a beautiful daughter, Liliana, who is 2 1/2 and brings joy to my life everytime I look into her eyes.

I also have a son, Sebastion, who is an angel in heaven. He was stillborn on August 12th, 2010.

My amazing boyfriend, Derek, and I purchased our first home this summer.  A beautiful 3 bedroom house that was built in the early 1900's.  Our third bedroom that was intended for a nursery, is now filled with boxes and house plants.  I avoid that room as much as possible.
We started our life together nearly 4 years ago.  No man has ever come close to making me as happy as him.  I will love him until the day I die.

My family is incredible.  Mom, Dad,  2 older brothers, grandparents, nieces, nephew, aunts, uncles, cousins... I am truely blessed by all of them.

I was married once.  That seems like another life now. 

50 day challenge

50 day challenge....

Day 1: Introduce yourself
Day 2: A bulleted list of everything that happened in your day
Day 3: Your favorite movie
Day 4: A photo of you taken over 10 years ago
Day 5: A letter to your crush
Day 6: A list of what you ate today
Day 7: A Youtube video you find funny
Day 8: A photo of you taken recently
Day 9: List some of your favorite blogs
Day 10: A letter to a person who has caused you pain
Day 11: Share your favorite recipe(s)
Day 12: Self portrait
Day 13: Whatever tickles your fancy
Day 14: A song from your childhood
Day 15: A letter to someone you wish you could meet
Day 16: Provide pictures of 5 celebrity crushes
Day 17: A photo that makes you sad
Day 18: Set or share a goal
Day 19: Whatever tickles your fancy
Day 20: A letter to someone that changed your life
Day 21: Your favorite television program
Day 22: A photo that makes you happy
Day 23: Share one of your favorite tunes
Day 24: Time to face morph
Day 25: Someone you judged by their first impression
Day 26: Favorite books
Day 27: A talent of yours
Day 28: Favorite places to shop
Day 29: Your favorite color
Day 30: The friendliest person you knew for only 1 day
Day 31: Whatever tickles your fancy
Day 32: A photo you took
Day 33: What you're craving right now
Day 34: Your favorite quote
Day 35: A letter to an ex
Day 36: Some hobbies of yours
Day 37: A song that you like to dance to
Day 38: A photo of your parents
Day 39: Zodiac sign and do you think it fits your personality
Day 40: A deceased person you wish you could talk to
Day 41: Whatever tickles your fancy
Day 42: A bad habit you have
Day 43: A picture of your favorite place in the world
Day 44: Something that fascinates you and why
Day 45: A letter to yourself a year ago
Day 46: Photos of personal things in your life (pets, family, house, etc)
Day 47: Birthday wish list
Day 48: A photo of you right now
Day 49: Hopes, dreams, and plans for the next 365 days
Day 50: A letter to your reflection in the mirror

I will try and stick with it... we will see how it goes.

My love

I haven't expressed enough how grateful I am for my love, my soul mate, my rock.
I love Derek more than I ever knew possible.
He is amazing, incredible, and a wonderful father.

Let me tell you a story...

After losing our son Sebastion, we were faced with making the decision of how to lay him to rest.  This is a decision that no parent should ever have to make.  I remember laying in the hospital bed looking over a paper that listed several funeral homes in our area... 2 of which provided services for infants, free of charge.  We chose our funeral home, based on the fact that my grandfather actually used to volunteer his time there, and my dad has a pretty good relationship with the funeral director.  The next step was deciding whether to have a burial, or to have his precious little body cremated.  I can not express what a difficult decision it was to make. I was informed by the nurses at the hospital that if we chose to bury his body, there would be no embalming.  Babies are too little for embalming.  The only thing I could think at that point was that our little baby would lay in a casket and decompose.  I couldn't handle the thought, and finally agreed to cremation.  At least with a cremation, we would have ashes to hold on to.  The week following Sebastion's passing is a big blur... small things come back to me every now and then.  I know it was a few days before we actually made the decision to bury the ashes.  Sebastion is laid to rest in Friendship Cemetary.  The cemetary just so happens to be next door to where I grew up, and my parents still reside.  Actually to go into further detail, when my parents first bought their property, they actually owned the part of the cemetary that Sebastion is buried in.  Kind of cool when you think about it.  Any how...getting back to the original thought... what makes Derek amazing....
Once we decided to bury the ashes, Derek insisted that HE be the one to dig the grave.  He believed it should be the fathers responsibility to do so for his son.  So, in his grieving, Derek dug his son's (our son's) grave... right along side with my father.  Sebastion's grave was dug with love.  And the stones that were removed from the ground, 3 of them, now reside in the homes of family. 2 of them went home to Georgia with Derek's parents, and the other is now sitting center stage on our mantel.  When we first brought it home, I couldn't bare to remove the dirt. I just sat it on the shelf in our living room, covered in mud.  Last night, Derek decided it was time to clean it... he went outside and sprayed it down with the hose, while I dusted the shelves that it had called home.  When he returned nearly 10 minutes later... he was holding a perfectly clean, beautiful stone...and had tears streaming down his face.  This was the first I had seen my Love cry in weeks.  I'm actually not sure if I had seen him cry since the funeral... he tries to stay strong, as to not bring me down. ( I have to laugh now. I cry everyday...can't be stopped)  It was good to see him grieve.  Made me fall even further in love with him... if that is even possible.
Back to the funeral...his grave was dug with love, and then too, it was buried with more.

Mommy and big sister laying flowers on the grave

Mommy, Daddy and Papa burying Sebastion's ashes

big sister helping bury baby brother

 All things considered... the day could not have been more beautiful.

.

I'm trying with all my might to hold it together.
I'm not ok. 
I'm not the same person that I was before.
I have lost a part of myself and I will NEVER be the same.
I am sorry if that is something you can not handle.
I will try harder.
I have to be strong for her.  She still needs a mother.
I will try to be strong for him as well.
It still hurts.
It hurts more and more each day.
.