Missing him.

It is now only a matter of weeks until Sebastion's first birthday in heaven.  It all just seems so UNREAL.  Today, we are supposed to be attending a family reunion for Derek's side of the family. The same family reunion that we attended last year while I was still pregnant... still oblivious to the life that was set out before me.  It was a nice time spent with his family, and D's cousin who was due with her first child 2 days after me.  She had just found out she was having a girl, and we had known for awhile that we were expecting a boy.  We talked of how great it would be that our kids could grow up together.  Oh.  I f only that were true.  I do not know if I can go today.  Surely, the beautiful little 7 month baby girl will be there in all her drooly, teething, growing, meeting milestone glory.  Every time I look at her, it is kind of like a kick in the face.  Harsh? Perhaps.  But it does hurt.  I miss him so.

I am still trying to decide what to do for Sebastion's birthday.  I DO know that I would like to release balloons at the cemetery along with a graveside family picnic.  I have been planning to donate my hair in his honor for about six months now, and I think I will actually make my appointment for the day before... some special little child will be receiving a LOT of hair:)  I also had planned on getting his memorial tattoo for his birthday, but circumstances have changed, and the tattoo will have to wait!  I would also like to donate at least one memory box to the hospital where he was born, but I have yet to start on putting it together... guess I should shopping huh?

I hope that what my friends and fellow baby loss momma's say is true, the anticipation is worse than the actual day.  I had hoped to have his headstone before his birthday, but seeing how D and I have not found a day when we can go pick one out TOGETHER that will not happen... I do still hope that we will at least get it ordered before his special day arrives.  Headstones.  One thing a parent should never have to purchase for their child.