Yesterday marked 11 months since the day I was told my child no longer had a heartbeat. Tomorrow shall mark 11 months since he was birthed into this world and I held him in my arms. I am having a difficult time accepting that this next month will be the count down to an ENTIRE year since our sweet Sebastion left our lives so quickly.
As bitter sweet as it may be, I do thank God for giving me the gift of Sebastion. As painful as it has been (and always) will be to lose him... I have become a different me. A better me, I'd like to think. My heart has been opened and my soul has reached magnitudes that I did not know where possible. I have been blessed with so much love, and have felt a love that fails in comparison to anything from my past. As weak as I feel at times, I know in my heart of hearts, that I have become that much stronger. Losing my son, has taught me how to give. To give to others who feel the same, wretched, pain. I can only hope that the spirit of giving, never goes away.
A few weeks ago, I finally mustered up the courage to go to the health department to pick up Sebastion's death certificate. The day that we buried his ashes, my cousin had given me a silver scroll that was engraved with his full name, and intended to hold a birth certificate.
It has sat on our mantel, empty, for nearly 11 months now. Knowing that I will never have a birth certificate for it to hold, I thought, at least it could hold his death certificate... some official document to prove that he existed.... So, I was greeted by the man in the records department, with "May I help you?" I took a deep breath and stated "I would like to get a copy of my son's death certificate" and out of desperation "and birth certificate, if you actually have one" He pulled out some books, and asked for his name and dates. After searching through the first book, he bluntly told me... "Nope, no record of a birth certificate, was he born in Knox County?" My answer..." yes sir, he was still born at KCH." He gives a simple "sorry", and opens the next book. "What was the name again? I'm not seeing it here either." He looks for a few minutes and tells me that there is no record of a birth certificate, or a death certificate for Sebastion. I fight back the tears and say..." Well sir, I gave birth to him, and then I buried him. I had to fill out information for his death certificate before the funeral home could have him cremated, so I suggest you check again." He gets his manager. With in 5 minutes, she finds his records in another book. She informs me that she has to make a phone call before his records can be released, so I wait, a long and torturous 5 minutes. Once she is off of the phone, she comes to me and hands me an orange post it. (A fucking post it! How does that compare what I was in search of??!!) She tells me that she can NOT give me any records... it is POLICY that 'those' records have to be issued from the STATE, and not the county. WHAT THE FUCK?! So, on said post it is a phone number that I may call to make a request... and an address if I should wish to write a letter. Sigh. I am about to make that call, as I haven't found the courage to be nice enough to write a letter.
*Update* I called the number I was given... and reached the DMV. Thanks lady. You fucking moron.
**Update 2** After some online research I have completed a form to mail in for a stillbirth certificate...hopefully this works.