Sunday, July 31, 2011

12 days...

At this point, one year ago, I was still full of bliss with visions of the perfect family in my mind. A beautiful little girl and a baby brother on the way... what more could you ask for, right?  Oh, how I miss the old carefree ME. 
Today, I struggle with the fact that HIS birthday is 12 days away.  I struggle with the fact that my sweet little boy will spend his 1st birthday in the arms of Jesus, while my arms are still aching for him to be in them.  I thank god for holding my child, and for blessing me with a little rainbow bean whose heart is beating inside of me, BUT I can't help but think of how different things should be.  I KNOW that if Sebastion WERE here with us that the likelihood of this new baby existing would be slim, but NOT impossible.  But at the same time, this precious little miracle would not have a guardian angel for a big brother.  It's all part of God's plan, right?  But it really doesn't make it hurt any less.

I miss my boy, my son, my Sebastion.

And this morning I awoke from nightmares.  Horrible, horrible nightmares of losing yet another child.  My biggest fear.  A fear that I am sure will not subside until the day this child is born.  I pray daily for the strength to continue, and for the health of my baby.  As much as I pray, the fear remains.  Especially in my dreams.

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