An afterthought

We actually did some grocery shopping together as a family today.  This doesn't happen often because until recently, D and I usually worked opposite shifts so that we wouldn't have to pass lily off to others while we go make money.  D also gets REALLY aggitated in Wally-world.  So we no more than walk in the door and the first people we see are his cousin and her husband... the happily married (beautiful couple) who JUST became parents.  The last time we spoke with this lovely couple was at D's family reunion, we were both @ 5 months pregnant.  She with her first.  A girl. They had just found out the day before.  Me with Sebastion..  We were both showing at the time, myself more so than her having been pregnant before.  That, I believe, was actually when I met both of them, I had been to her parents house a few times before, but I don't think she was ever there.  Anyways, back to today.  When we first came accross one another, we said our hello's and I gave my congratulations on the arrival of their baby girl, Emma, who was at home with her grandmother.  Emma was born December 23.  She asked how our christmas was, and quickly added,' I bet Lily loved it' with a smile.  I could tell she felt a little awkward. I replied with '"yes, she did, she actually woke up this morning and said, 'Merry Kwismas Momma'... she cried when I took the tree down".  We parted our ways and continued shopping.  A few moments later we met again in a different aisle. D was chasing Lily down a seperate aisle at the time.  She stopped to ask me how I was doing.  When I looked at her, I could tell that she had either been crying or holding back the tears.  She wanted to know how I was handling everything, and it was all I could do to hold back the tears.  I didn't want to have a breakdown in the middle of the store, so I gave the standard "I'm doing ok.  I have my ups and my downs."  She genuinely looked like she cared. It was touching.  I am sure seeing me today really hit her hard.  We were due 2 days appart... and the outcome of our pregnancies couldn't have been any opposite.  I truly am happy that they got the happy ending.  I wish that they go on as a family to live happily ever after.  I wish OUR outcome was different.  But I know that wishing will not allow him to be in my arms.  I miss Sebastion from deep within my soul.

I am also working on 2 cakes this weekend.  A 1st birthday teapot cake for my cousin's kid, and a baby shower cake for which I am attending.  It is for a friend/distant relative on D's side of the family.  And now that I think about it, before mentioned Emma will be attending as well.  Shit.  That is going to be hard.  And the desire for a baby continues to grow.