Thursday, January 13, 2011

A letter to my son

My dearest Sebastion,

Words cannot even begin to express how much Mommy misses you.  I carry you in my heart everywhere I go,  and honestly since you left us, I dread going most places.  Everytime I leave the house, something makes me think of you.  Wether it be a song on the radio, a cloud in the sky, a little twinkle in my eye, or the butterfly that just flew by.  It all makes me think of you.  And the moments we will never share.  The book I ordered for your big sister arrived today, I plan to read it to her this evening, and I know I will not be able to hold back the tears.  You see, the book is about you.  It is titled 'We were gonna have a baby, But we had an ANGEL instead'.  Your sister has been wondering where you are.  She misses you too, and she never even got to meet you.  She did see you once... she was in the room with me when Mommy had to have an emergency ultrasound, the day after I started bleeding.  Grandma Cheryl was there too.  That was when we found out you were a boy.  Jessica (The ultrasound lady)  told us that she couldn't be 100% sure, but at just 12 weeks, she could see a little wee wee between your little legs.  As she printed off pictures for mommy to bring home and show daddy, your sister claimed them all as hers.  "My baby" she would say, which within a matter of days turned into  "my baby bro-der".  She misses you bunches.  And she now refers to you as 'Ashton'. 
I recently came accross this self portrait.  It was the last photo taken of me before you died.  I took the picture  for your daddy to show him that I was missing him while I was at work.
  This photo was taken August 6... just 4 days before I was told that you had died.  I look at it and think of what a wonderful time that was.  On that day, I was still blissful with you in my belly.  Little did I know what a difference a few days could make in my life.  My entire world changed when I lost you baby.  I do not think I will ever be the same.  I worry now that your Daddy misses the person that Mommy used to be, as he has every right to do   ( I miss me too).   I miss you more though. 
I am so sorry that I failed you.  I cannot help but to feel guilt that I should have done something different.  Looking back, I wish I had gone to the hospital that night that I left work, maybe if I had... just maybe, you would still be with us.  I know.  I know.  Nothing will change the fact that you are not here.  I do not know how to greive.  I have never been one to express my inner-most feelings.  I have always been the listener.  The observer. How on earth am I supposed to move on when my heart has been ripped into pieces? 

I will try.

I love you baby,
Mommy

4 comments:

  1. I find myself doing the same, often. Looking at pictures from "before". Before life came crashing down and changing. What a beautiful letter you a precious child!!! Thinking of you!

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  2. Bethany,
    That is such a beautiful letter to your precious son. Thank you for sharing it with us. You and your precious Sebastion have touched my heart. I gave you a blog award. If you get a chance, stop by my blog to pick it up.
    Love,
    Mary

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  3. I feel the same way honey! We found out Michael was gone on the 10th as well. I know the 12th has come and gone, but our little guys are still with us in our hearts. They are both looking down on us and telling each other how much they love us. I wish they were still here though. Sending you my love and shedding a few tears in memory of our sweet baby boys.

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  4. This made me cry. ((hugs)) I look at my "before" pictures often and think back to that time...and as I go through my mental pictures it goes from a picture that was taken days before I went into labor and I was smiling, taking a belly pic of myself and the next picture is me holding my sons, lifeless. I am thinking of you Beth and I am here whenever you need to talk. Sending you lots of love, hugs and prayers. I am missing him with you.

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