Wow. Is it really the 12th again? Already? It doesn't seem like it has been 5 months since I held him in my arms and kissed him goodbye. Then again, life doesn't really seem real anymore. More like a made for tv, lifetime movie. You know, the ones that are so bad, yet so depressing that you can't stop watching. Is THIS really my life now? Am I forever destined to be that woman who only has one child...but deep in her heart knows she was meant to have more?
It has been a very busy week (end). 3 cakes in 3 days... added to that... 2 night shifts of serving, 2 birthday parties, and a baby shower. The baby shower was pretty much how I had imagined it... baby Emma was there in all her glory. I tried to not pay attention for awhile, but then I couldn't stand it anymore and asked to hold her. Deep Breaths. It felt so good. I didn't want to let go. I managed to hold it together while at the shower, but as soon as I walked out those doors, and reached the safety of my car, the tears started flowing just like I knew they would. I cried all the way to work. Sobbed actually. And I haven't felt quite right since then. I guess I have been hoping for something that is not meant to be. When we first lost Sebastion we instantly started talking about trying again. We wanted a son. Our son. So much so that D actually told me that if we were to have another girl, that we would have to try one more time for a boy. (D is an only child. I am the youngest of three, the baby, and the only girl.) For some reason I thought we would be pregnant by now, or at the very least, TRYING. Not still swallowing the little baby killing pills. I hate birth control. And even more, I hate that I feel like I am the only one who wants more children now. When I asked D if he was ready for another one yet, he simply said NO. FML. I need to get out of this rut.... before it sucks me in to the bottomless pit of chronic depression. My little girl still needs her momma. And I guess maybe that IS all I am meant to be... mother of one, with an angel an heaven.
I miss you baby... more than anyone could ever imagine.