Wednesday, January 12, 2011

5 months

Wow.  Is it really the 12th again?  Already?  It doesn't seem like it has been 5 months since I held him in my arms and kissed him goodbye.  Then again, life doesn't really seem real anymore.  More like a made for tv, lifetime movie.  You know, the ones that are so bad, yet so depressing that you can't stop watching.  Is THIS really my life now?  Am I forever destined to be that woman who only has one child...but deep in her heart knows she was meant to have more?

It has been a very busy week (end).  3 cakes in 3 days... added to that... 2 night shifts of serving,  2 birthday parties, and a baby shower.  The baby shower was pretty much how I had imagined it... baby Emma was there in all her glory.  I tried to not pay attention for awhile, but then I couldn't stand  it anymore and asked to hold her.  Deep Breaths.  It felt so good.  I didn't want to let go. I managed to hold it together while at the shower, but as soon as I walked out those doors, and reached the safety of my car, the tears started flowing just like I knew they would.  I cried all the way to work.  Sobbed actually.  And I haven't felt quite right since then.  I guess I have been hoping for something that is not meant to be.  When we first lost Sebastion we instantly started talking about trying again.  We wanted a son.  Our son.  So much so that D actually told me that if  we were to have another girl, that we would have to try one more time for a boy.  (D is an only child.  I am the youngest of three, the baby, and the only girl.)  For some reason I thought we would be pregnant by now, or at the very least, TRYING.  Not still swallowing the little baby killing pills.  I hate birth control.  And even more, I hate that I feel like I am the only one who wants more children now.  When I asked D if he was ready for another one yet, he simply said NO.  FML.  I need to get out of this rut.... before it sucks me in to the bottomless pit of chronic depression.  My little girl still needs her momma.  And I guess maybe that IS all I am meant to be... mother of one, with an angel an heaven.

I miss you baby... more than anyone could ever imagine.

1 comment:

  1. Oh Beth :(

    He will come around. He WILL.

    Have you tried talking with him? I know you asked him and he said no but have you guys sat down and actually got into a deep conversation about it?

    ((hugs)) My heart aches for you. I am here for you.

    I can't believe it has been 5 months either. It scares me because I seem to be taking the 5 month mark pretty badly...how will it be at 6 months then?

    I am always thinking of you sweet friend. ♥ Sebastion ♥ Love you.

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