i am still here...

Awhile back I had made a post about our little man's name being misspelled...  Well the ever so lovely Carly Marie went back to Christian's beach and wrote Sebastion's name again:)  here is the link: Sebastion's name in the sand... Beautiful huh?  I do not own the rights to the photograph, therefore  I will not post it here...someday maybe.  I also placed the order to have Sebastion's treasure beans sent home yesterday:)  Exciting!  They will be a lovely addition to the mantel.  I have been quiet for awhile, I know.   This new year has hit me harder than I had anticipated.  For some reason I had the idea in my head that it would be a fresh new start and that magically the pain would subside and I would be a happy go lucky person again.  HA! was I wrong!  The pain is still just as bad as ever, and with the 6 month mark coming up, my heart continues to break.  Babies continue to be born all around me, and it seems each week brings another pregnancy announcement.  I am happy for all my friends, co-workers, aquaintances.... but YES, I am jealous too.  I miss him so much.  I could never explain it.  I do not think I will ever get used to this void.  I wonder how much he would look like his sister... if he would have had a full head of hair (she was bald until the age of 2)... would he have gotten my freckles?  his daddy's smile?  Sigh.

A letter to my son

My dearest Sebastion,

Words cannot even begin to express how much Mommy misses you.  I carry you in my heart everywhere I go,  and honestly since you left us, I dread going most places.  Everytime I leave the house, something makes me think of you.  Wether it be a song on the radio, a cloud in the sky, a little twinkle in my eye, or the butterfly that just flew by.  It all makes me think of you.  And the moments we will never share.  The book I ordered for your big sister arrived today, I plan to read it to her this evening, and I know I will not be able to hold back the tears.  You see, the book is about you.  It is titled 'We were gonna have a baby, But we had an ANGEL instead'.  Your sister has been wondering where you are.  She misses you too, and she never even got to meet you.  She did see you once... she was in the room with me when Mommy had to have an emergency ultrasound, the day after I started bleeding.  Grandma Cheryl was there too.  That was when we found out you were a boy.  Jessica (The ultrasound lady)  told us that she couldn't be 100% sure, but at just 12 weeks, she could see a little wee wee between your little legs.  As she printed off pictures for mommy to bring home and show daddy, your sister claimed them all as hers.  "My baby" she would say, which within a matter of days turned into  "my baby bro-der".  She misses you bunches.  And she now refers to you as 'Ashton'. 
I recently came accross this self portrait.  It was the last photo taken of me before you died.  I took the picture  for your daddy to show him that I was missing him while I was at work.

  This photo was taken August 6... just 4 days before I was told that you had died.  I look at it and think of what a wonderful time that was.  On that day, I was still blissful with you in my belly.  Little did I know what a difference a few days could make in my life.  My entire world changed when I lost you baby.  I do not think I will ever be the same.  I worry now that your Daddy misses the person that Mommy used to be, as he has every right to do   ( I miss me too).   I miss you more though. 
I am so sorry that I failed you.  I cannot help but to feel guilt that I should have done something different.  Looking back, I wish I had gone to the hospital that night that I left work, maybe if I had... just maybe, you would still be with us.  I know.  I know.  Nothing will change the fact that you are not here.  I do not know how to greive.  I have never been one to express my inner-most feelings.  I have always been the listener.  The observer. How on earth am I supposed to move on when my heart has been ripped into pieces? 

I will try.

I love you baby,
Mommy

5 months

Wow.  Is it really the 12th again?  Already?  It doesn't seem like it has been 5 months since I held him in my arms and kissed him goodbye.  Then again, life doesn't really seem real anymore.  More like a made for tv, lifetime movie.  You know, the ones that are so bad, yet so depressing that you can't stop watching.  Is THIS really my life now?  Am I forever destined to be that woman who only has one child...but deep in her heart knows she was meant to have more?

It has been a very busy week (end).  3 cakes in 3 days... added to that... 2 night shifts of serving,  2 birthday parties, and a baby shower.  The baby shower was pretty much how I had imagined it... baby Emma was there in all her glory.  I tried to not pay attention for awhile, but then I couldn't stand  it anymore and asked to hold her.  Deep Breaths.  It felt so good.  I didn't want to let go. I managed to hold it together while at the shower, but as soon as I walked out those doors, and reached the safety of my car, the tears started flowing just like I knew they would.  I cried all the way to work.  Sobbed actually.  And I haven't felt quite right since then.  I guess I have been hoping for something that is not meant to be.  When we first lost Sebastion we instantly started talking about trying again.  We wanted a son.  Our son.  So much so that D actually told me that if  we were to have another girl, that we would have to try one more time for a boy.  (D is an only child.  I am the youngest of three, the baby, and the only girl.)  For some reason I thought we would be pregnant by now, or at the very least, TRYING.  Not still swallowing the little baby killing pills.  I hate birth control.  And even more, I hate that I feel like I am the only one who wants more children now.  When I asked D if he was ready for another one yet, he simply said NO.  FML.  I need to get out of this rut.... before it sucks me in to the bottomless pit of chronic depression.  My little girl still needs her momma.  And I guess maybe that IS all I am meant to be... mother of one, with an angel an heaven.

I miss you baby... more than anyone could ever imagine.

special delivery

In the midst of all the cake baking today I managed to run a few errands in the snow.  I ordered a couple of books that I have been meaning to buy. As I was returning home I could see the postal woman walking up my steps.  I got a little excited. As I pulled up to the stop sign, I saw her knock on my door... I got even more excited... I couldn't wait to park and get back inside to see what had arrived.  Turns out there were 2 packages of interest, addressed to me.  Yay!  I love getting mail, it makes me smile, even if it's just a simple Hello, it still means somebody was thinking about me, and that makes me smile.  Anyhow...

how old are these stamps?

inside...

this little angel was wrapped in tissue paper

atatched to the angel was this...

the back of the card simply states 'MADE FOR YOU BY MAGGIE2' with a butterfly stamped beside it

This was all that was inside the card.  Now, I am left to assume that the angel was sent from Joanne Diamond, the only thing is... I do not know a Joanne Diamond.  And if I actually do, I am sorry, I am scattered brained.  It happens to the best of us I suppose.   So Joanne Diamond... thank you.  You put a smile (and a look of puzzlement) on my face.  If you would like to know more about Angels for Hope...go here.

And then D hands me a small package... the one I had been anxiously awaiting... I felt like a little girl as I unwrapped the tissue paper that was tied up neatly with a yellow and silver bow.  At first glance...it gleamed...

you can actually feel all the warmth and compassion as you hold this little treasure in your hand

This is the wonderful gift that was bestowed upon me during the pay it forward give-aways that the lovely Dana hosted for the holidays.  If you are not familiar with her work, you MUST click here.  I must also mention that my name was drawn (from many) on Sebastion's due date.  A bit magical how things work out really.

I LOVE LOVE LOVE IT.  I really plan on placing a custom order in the future so that we can have a sculpture of the entire family...  I think that would be lovely.  In the meantime, I will bask in it's glory.

An afterthought

We actually did some grocery shopping together as a family today.  This doesn't happen often because until recently, D and I usually worked opposite shifts so that we wouldn't have to pass lily off to others while we go make money.  D also gets REALLY aggitated in Wally-world.  So we no more than walk in the door and the first people we see are his cousin and her husband... the happily married (beautiful couple) who JUST became parents.  The last time we spoke with this lovely couple was at D's family reunion, we were both @ 5 months pregnant.  She with her first.  A girl. They had just found out the day before.  Me with Sebastion..  We were both showing at the time, myself more so than her having been pregnant before.  That, I believe, was actually when I met both of them, I had been to her parents house a few times before, but I don't think she was ever there.  Anyways, back to today.  When we first came accross one another, we said our hello's and I gave my congratulations on the arrival of their baby girl, Emma, who was at home with her grandmother.  Emma was born December 23.  She asked how our christmas was, and quickly added,' I bet Lily loved it' with a smile.  I could tell she felt a little awkward. I replied with '"yes, she did, she actually woke up this morning and said, 'Merry Kwismas Momma'... she cried when I took the tree down".  We parted our ways and continued shopping.  A few moments later we met again in a different aisle. D was chasing Lily down a seperate aisle at the time.  She stopped to ask me how I was doing.  When I looked at her, I could tell that she had either been crying or holding back the tears.  She wanted to know how I was handling everything, and it was all I could do to hold back the tears.  I didn't want to have a breakdown in the middle of the store, so I gave the standard "I'm doing ok.  I have my ups and my downs."  She genuinely looked like she cared. It was touching.  I am sure seeing me today really hit her hard.  We were due 2 days appart... and the outcome of our pregnancies couldn't have been any opposite.  I truly am happy that they got the happy ending.  I wish that they go on as a family to live happily ever after.  I wish OUR outcome was different.  But I know that wishing will not allow him to be in my arms.  I miss Sebastion from deep within my soul.

I am also working on 2 cakes this weekend.  A 1st birthday teapot cake for my cousin's kid, and a baby shower cake for which I am attending.  It is for a friend/distant relative on D's side of the family.  And now that I think about it, before mentioned Emma will be attending as well.  Shit.  That is going to be hard.  And the desire for a baby continues to grow.