gifts from heaven...

Ok.  It may not mean much to others, but as a mother of an angel, I tend to find beauty in nature.  In the fallen leaves, flowers, caterpillars, butterflies, dragonflies, birds, bees...and yes the clouds in the sky.  Call me crazy if you will, but I like to see these things as little signs from our angel above.  Not all of them, but certain things... as my fellow BLM Tiffany likes to call them... winks.

While playing with our daughter in the park on what was likely the last gorgeous day of the year, I noticed this in the sky:

It may not look like much, but to me... I see a giraffe.

Not a whole giraffe... basically just the head, neck and chest.

Close up of the head...it even has 2 ears, as faint as they may be.

Seeing this formation in the sky touched my heart a bit.  I realize to some, the giraffe may not be visible, but I do associate giraffes with Sebastion and saw this as a sign that he was there with his family at the park that day.  I miss him deeply, and this lifted me up, if only for a moment.

I also associate the moon with our little angel... not exactly sure if I have shared why...  In the days between the death of Sebastion, and his funeral, we spent quite a bit of time trying to explain to our 2 year old daughter why mommy and daddy were so incredibly sad.  She couldn't quite understand that 'baby brother' was no longer in mommy's belly, and she had no comprehension what-so-ever that heaven even existed, no matter how many times we stated that 'baby brother' had gone to heaven.  A couple of days before the funeral, we were all standing in the kitchen (where Sebastion's last ultrasound picture still hangs on our fridge to this day) and our sweet little Liliana looks over and says... "bye bye baby brother, I'll see you on the moon."  At which point, Derek and I both looked at each other in disbelief, with tears running down our cheeks.  From that day forward, the moon has had more meaning to our family in general.  This is also the very reason that the cremation jewelry that I purchased for Sebastion's ashes, is a crescent moon.  Geez... still pulls at my heart strings when I think about that night in the kitchen.  Sigh.

This past full moon was brilliantly amazing:

I love when the moon can be seen in broad daylight.

Blurry, but beautiful.

 And now that you know the meaning behind it all... will you think of our little angel every time you see the moon shine down?

The moon shining down over Sebastion's grave.

A tragic ending

It has been a really long, trying week in our community.  We have learned that a sicko walked among us.  If you haven't read, or watched the news this week, you can see the full story here . This tragedy has effected sooo many people in so many unimaginable ways.  Really makes one think about how much you take for granted in life.... like the safety of your own home.  Growning up, we never locked our doors.  Never even thought twice about it.  Living in other cities, I readjusted to the situation quickly, and ALWAYS locked my car, and locked my doors at night.  Once I moved back to Mt. Vernon, I made sure to lock up my vehicle...it's been broken into a few times, and again, ALWAYS lock my house up at night...but now... It makes me nervous to be home alone, locked doors or not.  I feel like I need my wonderful man to be at our side, even in broad daylight.  I know... the likelyhood of another monster like Matthew Hoffman living in our community is slim...but not none.  I'm sure the anxiety will wear off in due time...  but I can't get the idea that the 'missing 3' were stabbed, dismembered and stuffed into a hallow tree to leave my head.  Aye. Aye.

I must say... I am thankful that my daughter is not old enough to remember OR understand these recent events.  I feel for friends and family as they try to explain and cope. I know my nieces (who went to school with Sarah and Kody) are having a very hard time... as well as all the other children around here that are old enough to understand.

On a more possitive note...our community as a whole has showed more kindness and caring than anyone could have ever thought... from the volunteer searches to the candle light vigils... even yesterday, our local DQ (tina's place of employment) donated $1 of every blizzard sold to the children effected by this tragedy...Sarah Maynard, and Stephanie's 3 children.  The line just to get into the parking lot was over a 1/4 mile long.  The last report I heard they had raised @ $2000.  Thats a lot of ice cream!!!

It's a cruel world in which we live...

It has been a bit since I have had the time to sit down and blog, and so much is happening in the world around me...
First and foremost: The local news that has made national headlines...The kidnapping of 13 year old Sarah Maynard, and the continued search for her 11 year old brother, Kody, as well as her mother Tina Herrmann and family friend Stephanie Sprang.  The two women, and young boy are still missing... presumed at this point to be dead.  Law enforcment is now searching several locations in our small city with cadaver dogs... one of those places, the kokosing bike trail, is a place where we often take our little girl for walks. This is also the trail that I was hoping to be able to set up a memorial 5k for next October.  I have spent the past several days glued to the local news, and internet in hopes of good news.  Last night I watched as they pulled cars out of the lake where we went fishing a few times over the summer and fall.  This is just devastating.  I personally did not know the missing family. Their pictures look familiar, as though I may have waited on them a few times in the past few years at my place of employment... but they are a part of my community.  Mt. Vernon was once voted the 'most liveable town in ohio'... assumed to be a safe place to raise a family... and NOW... someone living well within walking distance of our home, has kidnapped a young girl, and held her captive in his basement for 4 days until the SWAT team managed to track him down and rescue her as she was bound and gagged in captivity.  Aye Aye!!!  This scum sucking bastard was actually born and raised in our community!  My heart breaks for young Sarah.  Her life has been forever changed... I pray that she may find peace, somehow.  I also pray that her family will be found safe and alive, but it is not looking promising. 

I have also been receiving forwarded text messages warning others of nationwide gang activity and things to look out for.  I have heard of the no head light initiation before, but I had no idea that it was still happening... I think that was at least 10 years ago. What the hell is this world coming to?  The most recent text was a warning that people are giving away free key chains at gas stations... said key chains contain a tracking device so that the people can follow/ rob/ kill you.  Seriously???  I want to go join that hippie commune now. Is it any wonder that we live in an overly medicated society?  The shit that happens in this country on a daily basis is absolutely disturbing.  I know, I know... there are still good people out there.  But I fear for the safety of our children as a society. 

sigh

3 months ago today I heard the words that turned my world upside down... "I'm sorry Bethany, but your baby has died."  within 48 hours, I held him in my arms. 3 months!  What a journey it has been.  I miss my little Sebastion more than anyone could ever imagine.  With every breath I take.  And as the 'due date' approaches... my heart continues to break.  There is so much that I want to do, in his honor... time to get started.

I love you baby.  See you on the moon.

two steps back...

I think I have been getting through each day by living in some sort of dream world.  I have been keeping myself busy enough that I simply just don't allow myself the time to wallow in self pitty... funny how things catch up to you when you least expect it.  I don't want it to seem like I don't grieve for the loss of my son... I DO.  Everyday.  I just do it alone. Ok, not alone... I most often find myself crying as I am rocking my daughter to sleep... something about the darkness and the quiet, I just can't help myself... I squeeze her just a little tighter as the tears silently run down my cheeks. And I stare at the ceiling, using my x-ray vision to look through it, into the stars, to where my baby is resting in the arms of god, surrounded by his new found friends... the angel babies.

So yesterday I go to work... I am a server... aka, I put on the fakest happy face possible and tend to every beck and call of the people in our community who think I owe them something because I didn't better myself by going to college and getting a "REAL" job.  I have worked at said job for nearly 6 years, initially full time (and then some)  but since the birth of my now 2 1/2 year old daughter, I only serve 3 days a week. (I don't think I could handle more than that). I'm getting sidetracked. *Focus*  Ahem... so yesterday, I go to work... only this time, I can't leave everything behind when I walk through the door.  As I'm walking around taking orders, getting drinks, delivering salads, and entrees and cheesecake... I can't seem to get the image of my dead son lying in my arms out of my head.  The image consumed me.  I couldn't fight back the tears, as I am looking at two of my co-workers walking around with babies in their bellies.  It just isn't fair.  So, for the first time in my life I admitted to myself that I couldn't make it alone.  I called my man in for backup...in the form of xanax.  Yes.  I medicated my way through a night at work.  The image never left my head, as I'm sure it probably never will... but the tears, eventually did stop flowing, and my friend was actually able to put a genuine smile on my face before the night was over.  I never pictured myself as a person who needed medication to face the public, but then again, I never pictured myself giving birth to a lifeless baby.

I miss you baby, with every ounce of my being. I will hold you in my heart until I may hold you in my arms again.

Oh yes, and because I haven't blogged in quite some time... you should head over to  http://babybeblessed.blogspot.com/ and check out the doll that they are graciously giving away...hopefully it's not too late, but even if it is, check out the site anyway... the dolls are beautiful!