New Blog...

With new life changes, comes new life ramblings...

I have started a new blog (not that very many people actually read this one)...

For those of you who are interested, please, check it out, as I will likely be posting there more often than here... but if you are a facebook friend, please refrain from mentioning anything you may see on either of my blogs there, as I try to keep the two worlds seperate and haven't made the 'announcement' to many friends or family. 

Thanks!!http://asunamoonandarainbow.blogspot.com/

Missing him.

It is now only a matter of weeks until Sebastion's first birthday in heaven.  It all just seems so UNREAL.  Today, we are supposed to be attending a family reunion for Derek's side of the family. The same family reunion that we attended last year while I was still pregnant... still oblivious to the life that was set out before me.  It was a nice time spent with his family, and D's cousin who was due with her first child 2 days after me.  She had just found out she was having a girl, and we had known for awhile that we were expecting a boy.  We talked of how great it would be that our kids could grow up together.  Oh.  I f only that were true.  I do not know if I can go today.  Surely, the beautiful little 7 month baby girl will be there in all her drooly, teething, growing, meeting milestone glory.  Every time I look at her, it is kind of like a kick in the face.  Harsh? Perhaps.  But it does hurt.  I miss him so.

I am still trying to decide what to do for Sebastion's birthday.  I DO know that I would like to release balloons at the cemetery along with a graveside family picnic.  I have been planning to donate my hair in his honor for about six months now, and I think I will actually make my appointment for the day before... some special little child will be receiving a LOT of hair:)  I also had planned on getting his memorial tattoo for his birthday, but circumstances have changed, and the tattoo will have to wait!  I would also like to donate at least one memory box to the hospital where he was born, but I have yet to start on putting it together... guess I should shopping huh?

I hope that what my friends and fellow baby loss momma's say is true, the anticipation is worse than the actual day.  I had hoped to have his headstone before his birthday, but seeing how D and I have not found a day when we can go pick one out TOGETHER that will not happen... I do still hope that we will at least get it ordered before his special day arrives.  Headstones.  One thing a parent should never have to purchase for their child.  

Rest in Peace Great Great Grandma

Liliana's great- great grandmother has gone to be with the lord.
For 3 years, 3 months, and 8 days there were 5 living generations on Derek's side of the family.  Beulah lived a good life of 92 years, and she will be deeply missed.

Saying good bye is never easy:( 
But I know in my heart of hearts that she is in heaven, bouncing Sebastion on her knee, with the biggest smile on her face that you could imagine.

time...it's a funny thing.

Yesterday marked 11 months since the day I was told my child no longer had a heartbeat.  Tomorrow shall mark 11 months since he was birthed into this world and I held him in my arms.  I am having a difficult time accepting that this next month will be the count down to an ENTIRE year since our sweet Sebastion left our lives so quickly.

As bitter sweet as it may be, I do thank God for giving me the gift of Sebastion.  As painful as it has been (and always) will be to lose him... I have become a different me.  A better me, I'd like to think.   My heart has been opened and my soul has reached magnitudes that I did not know where possible.  I have been blessed with so much love, and have felt a love that fails in comparison to anything from my past.  As weak as I feel at times, I know in my heart of hearts, that I have become that much stronger.  Losing my son, has taught me how to give.  To give to others who feel the same, wretched, pain.  I can only hope that the spirit of giving, never goes away.

A few weeks ago, I finally mustered up the courage to go to the health department to pick up Sebastion's death certificate.  The day that we buried his ashes, my cousin had given me a silver scroll that was engraved with his full name, and intended to hold a birth certificate.

It has sat on our mantel, empty, for nearly 11 months now.  Knowing that I will never have a birth certificate for it to hold, I thought, at least it could hold his death certificate... some official document to prove that he existed.... So, I was greeted by the man in the records department, with "May I help you?"   I took a deep breath and stated  "I would like to get a copy of my son's death certificate"  and out of desperation "and birth certificate, if you actually have one"   He pulled out some books, and asked for his name and dates.  After searching through the first book, he bluntly told me... "Nope, no record of a birth certificate, was he born in Knox County?"  My answer..." yes sir, he was still born at KCH."  He gives a simple "sorry", and opens the next book.  "What was the name again?  I'm not seeing it here either."  He looks for a few minutes and tells me that there is no record of a birth certificate, or a death certificate for Sebastion.  I fight back the tears and say..." Well sir, I gave birth to him, and then I buried him.  I had to fill out information for his death certificate before the funeral home could have him cremated, so I suggest you check again."  He gets his manager.  With in 5 minutes, she finds his records in another book.  She informs me that she has to make a phone call before his records can be released, so I wait, a long and torturous 5 minutes.  Once she is off of the phone, she comes to me and hands me an orange post it.  (A fucking post it!  How does that compare what I was in search of??!!)  She tells me that she can NOT give me any records... it is POLICY that 'those' records have to be issued from the STATE, and not the county.  WHAT THE FUCK?!   So, on said post it is a phone number that I may call to make a request... and an address if I should wish to write a letter.  Sigh.  I am about to make that call, as I haven't found the courage to be nice enough to write a letter.

*Update*  I called the number I was given... and reached the DMV.  Thanks lady.  You fucking moron.

 **Update 2**  After some online research I have completed a form to mail in for a stillbirth certificate...hopefully this works.

Dandelion love

 My view of the world before Sebastion was a part of it...

And my view after...

Thank you baby, for helping me to see the beauty in all things, big and small.

I can not wish for the one thing my heart desires most... but I can wish to always feel your spirit when the wind blows, when the moon glows, and on the wings of dragonflies, butterflies, and the twinkle in my eye.

Been awhile

My computer died a few weeks back , but I am still alive. Updating from a mobile device isn't much fun... Wish I had written about many things in the past few weeks but alas, we can all see that is not the case. Someday soon I shall return to blogger land...until that day I wish you all peace and love:)

It can't rain all the time...

I have been feeling a bit under the weather this week... my daughter actually started with the crud nearly a week ago, and I followed in her foot steps a few days later.  The weather in these parts hasn't exactly been picture perfect either, which tends to let spirits sink a bit as well.  We actually even missed church this week for the first time since we started going.  I've been feeling a bit guilty about that, and about the fact that it had been weeks since my last visit to the cemetery.  I should have gone to see him on mother's day.  I did not.

Today, it did not rain for the first time since friday ... I'm not really sure.  So as my daughter, the puppy and I were on our way to my parents house so that I could do the bi-weekly cleaning of my grandparents portion on the house, I decided it a good idea to stop by for a visit. 

Upon turning into the cemetery I could tell that it had been freshly mowed, which I found a bit odd considering all the rain of late.  I pull the car around the drive and stop at the top of the hill looking down at his grave and I notice a vase laying on it's side.  I instantly think... I didn't bring flowers the last time I was here.  Did I? I wrestle the puppy and getting Lily out of the car seat and we walk down the hill to see her baby brother... That's when it hits me... someone has been here.  Some. one. else.


I kneel down and lift up the tumbled vase.  Wilted flowers still  holding onto their color follow it's lead.  Someone had brought my baby flowers.  I was touched.  And then I saw the laminated piece of paper that was trapped beneath the fallen vase.  I picked it up and brushed away the wet grass and dirt to reveal a poem... I quickly scanned to the bottom to see if there was a name and there it was....

Sebastion Rush Scott.

Some one had thought of my baby.

I began to read the poem... tears filling my eyes... and then I stopped.  I looked at my daughter and explained what I had found and asked if she would like me to read it aloud.  'Yes momma'...as she chased Obi around in circles.  As I read the words to BOTH of my children the tears streamed down my face.  With all the poems and versus' and quotes that I have come across along this journey, this was not something that I had read before.  

When you remember ME smile

Hello I'm here in heaven

that is where I am suppose to be

It's not to bring you sorrow

But love and peace and joy

God needed me for a purpose

My death was not in vain

I never had to suffer

Or was never in any pain

I want to let you know that

Heaven yes it's true

That Jesus not only died for me

But he died for also you

So this is what I need to say

Don't be sad and don't you cry

For Jesus is taking care of me

Up in These Heavenly skies

I want to ask you something

Do you truly know my Lord

Have you ask Him in your heart

Because He wants to give you more

It was my time to pass

But it's your time to live

Have peace that Jesus lives in you

And you'll see me once again

I'm being taken care off

Heaven's beautiful to see

But it's time to stop mourning 

And to set my spirit free

I love you all Remember this

I know your hearts been breaking

But Heaven is the greatest place

Now go on and start living

We stayed for a bit... I took some photos.  Lily needed a break from the dog (literally, she told me so) and went and rested on Uncle Tom's bench (popsy)... his grave overlooks Sebastion.  Tom was my dad's best friend. He died the same year I was pregnant for Liliana... if she had been a boy,  her middle name was to be Thomas in his honor.

After a few more minutes it was time to move on, so I packed us all up in the car to drive down the hill to my parents house... when I pulled into their driveway my daughter proclaims:

"Mommy, I'm upset." 

'What's wrong sweetie?'

"I miss Ash-ton." pouty lip.  "I miss baby brother." 

the tears started flowing... 'I know you do baby.  I miss him too.'

And as I type this at 4 am, I have a smile on my face as I remember my son... he sure was a kicker:)

Love you baby boy.  And oh how it warms my heart that others think of you too.