Sunday, March 6, 2011

random spewing.

I just spent the last 45 minutes sobbing as I read the words of grieving mothers and the way they pour their hearts out over the loss of their children... mostly killed in car accidents, babies to teens to grown adults.  I feel like I have been punched in the face.

Earlier today, I was overtaken by a migraine, just before I had to be at work.  Let me tell you... working  trying to work in a restaruant with a migraine is torture.  Their is not a single place to avoid loud noises and bright ass blinding lights...not too mention the drunk fucks at the bar cheering on the basketball game.  Good grief.  In the midst of said migraine, a (drunk) co-worker proclaims that I oughtta get used to not having enough sleep with a newborn at home.  Yes.  He went there.  When I stated that I did not have a newborn, he asked me how old my youngest child was...to which I stated the obvious... My son died.  He SHOULD be 2 months old. 

We had a family day yesterday... took our daughter to the home and garden show...while waiting in a VERY long line to get Liliana a balloon animal, we were followed in line by a woman with a 4 year old boy, and a 7 month old girl.  I heard her story about how she was on bed rest for the last 4 months of her pregnancy and I dreamed of how wonderful that would have been... 2 kids.  2. healthy. breathing... children.  Oh how lovely that would be.  Sometimes  I worry that Liliana's childhood is being ruined by grief.  How do I miss and mourn my son, her brother, without scarring her for life?

On a side note, I have decided that I am done with the pill.  I have spent the past 11 days bleeding.  I do not see how that is regulating my periiods as the doctor had suggested. This, however, does NOT mean that we are trying.  Only that I am would like my body to try to get back to normal. What ever normal is.  I am tired of being in pain, I am tired of headaches, and I am tired of bleeding.  Oh yes.  And I am tired.

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