Thursday, August 11, 2011

A year ago... (part 2)

Once the doctor had left it did not take long for me to decide that it was best to start the induction the next day... there was no way possible that I could walk around for weeks KNOWING that my son had already died.  My mom drove me in my car to my house, my dad followed in their car, and Derek left to go pick up Liliana from his grandmother's house. Upon arriving at home, I sat on my my daughters playset in the back yard, crying,  until she arrived.   I do not remember much of the events of that evening...mostly just that I felt numb and did not move much. At some point I managed to climb in bed and try to get some sleep.

I awoke the next morning wishing that it had all been a nightmare.  Somehow I had actually slept lying on my belly, which had not happened in several months.  I remember thinking how odd that was.  Taking our little girl back to her great grandmothers house on the way back to the hospital was a bit torturous. I did not want to let her go.  I had no idea how long it would be until I would see her again, and she knew mommy was upset, but did not quite understand what was happening (she was only 2 at the time).

We arrived at the maternity ward just before 11 am... again, ringing the buzzer at the locked doors.  This time my response to the electronic voice was simply..."It's Bethany, I'm here to be induced."  BUZZZ.  As soon as I walked through the doors we were greeted by Brandy, the same nurse who delivered our precious daughter.  She gave me a gigantic hug and started crying right along with me.  We stood there in the hallway for a minute or so, then gathered ourselves, and she led us to our room.  Room 501.  The corner suite.  The very same room that Liliana was born in.  Eerie.
She began explaining the way the induction would work... they would hook me up to an IV to keep me hydrated and to push pitocin, and they would insert little pills into my cervix every four hours that would help with the softening and allowing me to dilate.  It could be a very long process, I was warned.  During said time, I would not be allowed to eat solid food.  Only ice chips, popcicles, broth, tea, etc.  Bleh.  I wasn't hungry anyway.  I hadn't eaten much of anything since I had left work the day before.  How was one supposed to think about food when their child was dead?
Derek and I settled in to our room for the long haul.  My mom joined us after a couple of hours and she stayed until the following evening.  She is an amazing woman, with a heart bigger than I can describe.  Most of the day was spent in silence.  Many people contacted my mom to see if they could come visit, but I did not want to see anyone. I did not care to have visitors. 
Brandy came in several times to talk to us about bereavement and funeral plans.  I remember her giving me a Purple folder full of different pamphlets on how to cope with the loss of a child...but I could not bring myself to read them.  I looked at them, but I could not see words.  Nor did I want to.
Every couple of hours a nurse would come in to check my cervix and/or give me more pills. 
I think around 9 pm Derek left to go get a sub from subway and brought one back for me, just in case.  It smelled delicious!  As he was eating, nurses kept coming into my room and he would sneak me bites in between their visits.  Food was needed by that point, and much appreciated, even though I was not technically supposed to eat it.
Around 11pm the contractions started to pick up to the point where I could REALLY feel them.  I refused to have an epidural because I did not want to feel any more numb than I already did.  I wanted to feel every bit of pain because it would be the last I would feel my sweet boy inside my womb...moving or not.
I tried sleeping on and off throughout the night, but did not have much luck.  Around 4:30 am the pain was so bad I was too the point of clutching to the side rails. I remember the nurse coming in to check on me and saying it won't be much longer.  At around 4:45 my water broke, and I began to feel immense pressure.  Our sweet little boy was born silent at 4:50 am with no one in the room but myself, Derek, and my mom.  I have no clue where the nurse was...she came running in just after he was born, cut the cord, wrapped him in a blanket and handed him to me. 
The pain in my body instantly stopped.  For a moment, it was calm and quiet.  I kissed our sweet son on the forehead and stared into his face for a several minutes.  I could not get over just how beautiful he was.  His body was still warm, soft, and smooth.  His lips were perfect.  He had one eye open and it was staring right at me. Finally, I asked Derek if he would like to hold him.  As soon he exchanged from my arms to his, I looked at Derek, sobbing, and said "Sebastion?"  He instantly agreed with a nod and tear stained cheeks.  We had not chosen a name... we had several written down, but we both agree that we can not actually name a child until we have met them face to face.  Liliana was 36 hours old before we decided on her name.
The nurse had given us about 15 minutes to spend with our son, and then returned to check on me, as I had not yet delivered the placenta.  Another nurse came and took Sebastion to the nursery to clean him up.  After several minutes of pushing, I felt a tug on the umbilical cord, the nurse had yanked on it to speed the process along, which in turn made the placenta come out in pieces. 
About an hour later, an ultrasound tech showed up to do an internal scan to check and see if there were still fragments of the placenta left inside my uterus.  How pleasant that was after just giving birth.  Indeed, there was... so I would have to have a DnC the following morning.  Yet another day confined behind hospital walls....


  1. oh honey. i so wish you story were different. that you had Sebastion with you. that he spent his birthday eating cake and being sung to by his momma. ♥